The Reclusive Shopper

The reclusive shopper is one who feels the need to get out, yet only recludes real actual self. Everyone who shops for more than a basic need is a reclusive shopper. The shopper joins the "contest" of beauty, and fashion. Or the "contest" of who has the best of anything. I am not the shopper, it is my ego who needs to shop. I get bored and allow an ego personality to come out. My ego personality is a "person" who wants to find the perfect clothes, shoes, or makeup. It is "person" who is trying to find a quick fix, a boost to one's "self", but is actually not boosting self , but ego. A "person" who fears not being accepted, and needs to dress self up in a way to find acceptance, and even catch attention to oneself for being fashionable.The ego needs to find clothes that hides it's "flaws" while enhancing it's "best features". It is about being more....more beautiful, more sexy, more stylish, more  interesting than others. It is a competition among other egos. When I allow my ego to make my decisions, I am only suppresing me. By creating a false me, I suppress the real me. A me that has been suppressed for years.
 Like all of us, I had issues with my childhood. I am a petite person, and was made fun of as a child. The other children treated me like I was much younger than I was. I often was called "baby", "tiny tot", "little bit" to name just a few. I was often ignored when I tried to have a conversation with other kids my age. No on wanted to be un-cool, being friends with someone who looked so much younger than them.Being much smaller than most, I couldn't fit in fashionable clothes, so I had a choice to either wear extra baggy clothes that were considered stylish, or "baby" clothes that fit me. That wasn't so cool.
 To further the insult to my ego, I was cheated on by my 1st "lover". That only drove me to try harder to gain acceptance. I now had another reason to worry about my appearance, to keep the attention of my lover. I find myself using this "excuse" today.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feal the need to look beautiful and fashionable in order to feel accepted, to look better than others, and to keep the interest of my partner. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be part of the competition. It is competition that seperates. It smothers equality and it smothers who I really am.