Jealousy

One night, my partner and I went out and I found myself jealous when I was left alone while my partner spent a considerable amount of time talking to another woman with whom. After attempting to join into the conversation with no success, for they still insisted on sharing such topics I know little about, I stood alone, while my temper brewed. I felt my partner should be paying attention to me, since after all we were on a date, away from our distracting children. I had expectations of my partner and I enjoying adult conversation together, and dancing together, but not once did I plan on being the third party, left out of a conversation which seemed all too important to my partner and this other woman.

I could see the interest my partner had in her. I began to measure her, to compare her to myself, because I felt inferior, since he was spending our “date night” time with her and not with me. Her hair was thick and long, something I have desired for a long time, but her teeth were crooked and stained, something I had better than her. My judgments, went on in the private chambers of my brain, while my partner and this woman continued on in conversation while exchanging small flirtatious gestures. I felt empty and alone in a room filled with people, and desired to be of interest to someone, as I felt ignored from my date.

I ended up drinking way too much alcohol as an attempt to forget what was happening. I wanted to force myself to have a good time, and thought the alcohol would fix the situation, make me not care so much, make me stop thinking about how I felt. I tried to find someone to talk to, giving compliments to other girls about their shoes to spark conversation, but had no luck with finding anyone outgoing and willing to talk back. I could have easily found a guy to hang out with, I did after all know someone there from a long time ago, but I didn't want to take it so far to be spiteful, or risk causing my partner jealous. I just wanted my partner to pay attention to me, to enjoy my company on our date.

I was drunk when I confronted my partner after we came home. He admitted he had flirted with her at the time, but the next day he completely denied it. I was angry about that, I thought 'you can't admit it, then deny it, just to try and save your sorry ass'! I thought I have gotten over this, I guess I had only shoved it to the back of my mind, because now that I write, feelings are resurfacing. So I am digging this shit out, and applying self forgiveness. I don't need to be so sensitive to allow other people to make me feel a certain way about myself. But at least I have an even better appreciation of my teeth! Lol! Just kidding, I don't need to measure my self worth in comparison to another person, and especially with physical characteristics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through comparing myself to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in comparison to other people as 'more than' or 'less than' them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and exist within the polarity design of 'inferiority' and 'superiority'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'inferiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'inferiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'superiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'superiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by beings that I see as 'superior' to me, therefore using nastiness, spite, and gossip to exalt myself as ego above the other being within my mind-so that I can feel like I have 'won' and the other being 'lost'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and destroy whoever I am jealous about – through nastiness, spite, and gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own judgments – instead of realizing that in jealousy lies an opportunity for me to assist and support myself in learning from the person I am 'jealous' about – so that I equalize myself with this being.

When and as I begin to feel jealous, I stop, I breathe, and realize that comparing myself to another and judging myself as inferior is only a polarity construct of the mind consciousness system and a means to mental separation. I commit myself to instead turn my jealousy into gratefulness and learn to express and become what it is I feel I am lacking, using it as a learning experience, as a means to self improvement.

Isolation

Recently I told a 'friend' of mine that I could no longer accept and allow her abusive behavior. We met at a Christian group a few years ago, and because she couldn't drive, I drove her to and from the group once a week. There were things she did that I disagreed with, and I wanted to help her get through them, so I continued to stay near her and continued to help her out with driving her and her mom places.

I learned about Desteni, quit Christianity, and shared what I was realizing with her. She seemed open to it in the beginning, and I was excited about that, but eventually fear overcame her, for she did not want to go to hell if God were real. But I still had 'hope' that she would eventually see clearly, and I still wanted to give her a chance at being a better person, helping her make improvements in her life, because she told me she was having a hard time and didn't have many friends. At first she took some of my advice and made improvements with how she disciplined her child. But as time went on, I realized she participated in many more abusive behaviors that she did not regret, and did not want to change.

She not only lied to her husband on a regular basis, and invited other men to be with her, but lied to me as well, and it was beginning to feel like a fake relationship. She talked excessively about herself, including details that are of no importance and would often talk over me when I tried to say something, always bringing it back to herself. I felt like I was enabling her to continue on in her destructive ways just by being a good listener. I tried to stay distant, but she had insisted I was her 'best friend'. I knew it was just mind games she was playing. She allowed herself to become dependent on me, stating she was 'lonely', and would call often 'just to talk'. I came to the point where I began to avoid her phone calls because I had no interest in listening to her ramble on about the things she had done or was planning on doing, because I disagreed with her lifestyle, and didn't want to hear about it, and also because she showed no interest in my well being. I felt like the only reason she labeled me her 'best friend' was validation for herself because she could not tell anyone else the abusive things she was doing.

When I finally had the nerve to tell her I could no longer accept her behavior, she had told me that I was supposed to forgive her, that she didn't want to be my friend anymore and to 'have a great fucking day'. Then of course, as usual she didn't give me a chance to reply, because she hung up on me. I would have told her that forgiveness is about moving on, admitting a wrong doing, when one is ready to end abusive behavior and become a better person, but she was not planning on that, she was planning on future fuck ups, speaking about it to me, while keeping it a secret to everyone else.

Around the same time the 'friendship' with this person ended, I lost my ability to drive and I met a lady with whom I had a great time conversing with. She told me she teaches Zumba classes in a nearby town, at a studio that is currently offering one week free classes, and that she would be happy to pick me up to try out one or two of the classes. But I feel like it would only be a waste of her time and gas because I cannot sign up for regular classes, I cannot drive and I certainly don't want to become a burden for her to feel like she has to pick me up every time I want to go to class.

When recently she asked me 'when you ready to shake your butt?' I put it off 'just a bit longer', with the excuse that I am not quite ready yet but will be soon. I would like to see her again, especially in one of her classes, I know I'd have a great time, but I guess fear is holding me back. I am afraid of a another sour relationship or of being a burden on someone else who would be my driver. I am not fit enough to keep up, and am afraid of being embarrassed from not being able to learn the moves. So I have been exercising at home to get my fitness level back up, but I have also allowed myself to get into the habit of going back to bed after the kids are on the bus, in attempt to avoid the world. I am even slacking on my writing, as I'd rather not face myself, but instead 'live' in my mind, in hope of what I can do to make my house look beautiful and myself look stylish, for those rare occasions I do get out of the house.

I am in a state of staying home, (I have no choice), sleeping as much as possible, lots of housework, occasional gardening, and surfing the net. I do not return phone calls I don't recognize, like I used to, and I tend to keep to myself. So I realized I am isolating myself. Out of fear, I am secluding myself in my 'safe place', my mind, avoiding the 'real world', avoiding reality and all it's possible negative (and unfortunately also avoiding the positive) 'consequences'. Isolate....I so late! Too late for me, might as well give up and hide. Noooooo!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being involved and feeling stuck in another abusive relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect being involved in an abusive relationship to fear- and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can end an abusive relationship when I decide to as long as I speak up and stop allowing myself to be around the person who is behaving abusively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot speak up for myself and what I will accept and allow again, there for I forgive myself for fearing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a burden on someone else who may be in the position of driving me places, instead of realizing that it is the other person's ability to decide whether or not they will drive me places, and whether or not they are okay with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be in control of what another may think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as a burden to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such importance in the judgment of another, when how another judges me has nothing to do with my own self worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another person can tell me what my self worth is, when only I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking silly in Zumba class.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that looking silly is only in one's perspective, of the mind, and that even if someone (including myself) does judge me as looking silly, that can be a fun way to laugh and connect with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect looking silly to fear- and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'not fit enough to keep up' as if there is a certain level of fitness that everyone must be at, instead of realizing that everyone who is participating in class is doing so at their own pace, and class is there for us to have fun in, not judge and compare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth in comparison to another's fitness level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself form the rest of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from all participation, out of fear of 'fucking up' again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have expectations within and of myself, and if those expectations aren't met- I am disappointed with myself and I give up, because, apparently, I'm a failure and there is nothing I can do about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future and then compare where I am to where I had projected myself to be- and then I judge where I am now as worse then where I projected myself to be- and I think and believe that I failed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that failure is real and that failure exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up after and experience of failure, instead of picking myself up, learning from past mistakes and accordingly changing my approach from here on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself out of fear of having to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid the experience of failure and disappointment, instead of realizing that I created those experiences in the first place- therefore what I am actually running away from is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'It's too late' as an excuse and justification for why it is okay for me to give up on myself within a specific task or application.

When and as I begin to isolate myself, I stop, I breathe, and realize that I am only attempting to give up on myself out of fear of failure and failure is only a judgment I make of myself in my mind. Instead of giving up on myself, and hiding from the world, I commit myself to learn from my past mistakes and assert myself to change accordingly.

“Happiness in a Relationship” The Delusion

I grew up believing that my mission in life was to get married and have children in order to feel fulfilled and happy. The search began when I was a teenager. I fell in love with a boy. I felt like I was wanted, like I was special, like I was beautiful. I was fulfilled and happy, at least for a few years. We became disappointed in each other as we grew comfortable and our “flaws” emerged, yet we still hung on to our 'love' and our dream and became engaged. As time went on and we bored of each other I realized he wasn't as perfect as I had dreamed him to be. In fact, he became quite an angry and mean person. I also discovered he had cheated on me. I was very upset, for my life plan for happiness and fulfillment had crashed.

From then on I stayed on the search for the perfect man, going from one boyfriend to the next. A few of them really did seam like “the one”, yet they never asked me to marry them and we would end up in a nasty breakup.

Even though I would have a blast with my friends while single, I usually felt the need to find a mate. I felt like I wouldn't truly be happy unless I found the man I was supposed to live the rest of my life with.

I eventually did get married and I was elated for the first two or three years, but we also found many things to be disappointed and angry about with each other and almost divorced a few times.

As of today, 10 years after our wedding, with the help of Desteni, we both now realize that happiness is not to be dependent on each other, or on anything outside of self for that matter. I believe this realization may be what is keeping us from leaving one another. We are much more relaxed, not elated, yet not pissed off. Expectations are thrown out and along with them so are the disappointments. We have brought back the power of self joy within our selves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exists because sadness exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a relationship with a boyfriend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being married to the one and only perfect man for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with my husband/children/family/friends, instead of realizing joy within self, as is, with no dependency on relationships to make me happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy, for when I have a desire for happiness, I am only stating my unhappiness and a need for something outside of me to make me happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to 'find' happiness somewhere 'out there' separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my personal happiness.

When and as I begin to expect to find happiness in a relationship, or to depend on a relationship for happiness, I stop, I breath, and realize that when I am searching for happiness outside of myself I am ignoring what it is that I am not accepting within myself because happiness derived from outside of me is not real, but only a temporary diversion. I commit myself to take back my attention and reliance of happiness from outside stimulation or diversion, such as relationships, to myself and focus on being self honest, paying attention to what it is within myself that I am not happy with, and make necessary changes to live my word, where within myself I can find the expression of joy of life as equal to all life.

“Ignorance is Bliss”

I used to avoid watching the news, (local and international) because I didn't want to feel sad and afraid. I chose to ignore what was happening to people around the world, I would ignore their suffering because I felt that I could do nothing about it. I decided that for me, it was better to stay focused on all the good/positive things that make me happy. I didn't want to feel guilty for doing nothing, or be afraid of the same despair possibly happening to me or my children, or fall into a depression. So I just ignored all the horrors of what we all have been accepting and allowing, and distracted my mind with my circle of family and friends, with entertainment and planning vacations, with appearance, with having fun.

I also turned to religion to give the load to God to bear, since I didn't feel I could take responsibility. I found a nice little mental solution that helped me to feel like I was taking responsibility and to feeling guilty, I learned to pray. I felt that I was able to actually do something about the suffering, somehow to take control by praying to a higher power, to tell Him to take care of things. But in doing so, I was not taking responsibility, I was living a lie, and focusing on what would make me feel better. In religion, I was taught to always help others, to be like Jesus, and if I did enough good deeds, I would go to heaven. I questioned how selfish that was when after all, I was helping others, while telling God to take care of the suffering instead of me standing up against the abuse in this world, to earn a spot in heaven, and to erase guilt from my conscience.

I was still ignoring the abuse of children across the planet, saying that God had a plan, and fooled myself with believing that my country was better than the others, and that God felt the same way. That was a nice little lie I told myself to justify war. It is all over the Bible, God approves of war as long as His people are the winners. I didn't understand how an all loving God could kill innocent children, but I learned to ignore that, and put faith in my religion, that God knows what he is doing and he is going to make everything all right. I learned to ignore the part of religion I disagreed with, and even fooled myself into believing I didn't need to completely understand it. In this religion, we were taught to not question the law but to have blind faith instead. We were taught to ignore what we didn't agree with or understand.

It is easier in the short run, to fool self with the mind, to ignore the stuff we don't want to admit too, yet it is neglectful and abusive. I will not allow myself to be ignorant any longer. I will do whatever I can to end the abuse, to be my living word, and stand up for life as all as one as equals. I will no longer chose the side that best cares for me, but chose what is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the statement “Ignorance is bliss”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to what exists in this world- and only care about my own well-being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that 'as long as I'm okay, everything is okay'- herein saying that only if I suffer, I will take responsibility for myself and this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for pain and suffering to motivate and move me to stand up- instead of me moving myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately ignore what exists in this world because I don't want to face the consequences of my acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if I just turn a blind eye and a deaf ear, I can continue living in deliberate self-dishonesty because 'I don't get affected by it' and 'my life is okay'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use distractions such as focusing on my own circle of family and friends, and to focus on entertainment, vacations, having fun, and on vanity, to ignore what I have been accepting and allowing in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the same horrors that are happening to others, like slavery, and lack of food, to happen to myself and my children and family, and within that fear, to use the fear as an excuse to ignore what is happening to others, and do nothing about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use emotions as an excuse to be ignorant, and ignore what we have been allowing to happen to others in order to be in a state of personal happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and be so easily controlled by emotions instead of me stopping the cycle of emotional reaction, and taking a stand as life by breathing and bringing myself out of the mind and into the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be absorbed in my thoughts, feelings and emotions, and to constantly be in search of the delusion of temporary happiness through ignorance, by using distractions such as entertainment and vanity, while ignoring what is happening in this world all around me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility, but instead do nothing but pray, in blind faith, in order to believe that some higher power would make everything all right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place blind faith into something I didn't understand in order to feel relief from responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that talking to an imaginary friend, God, would save others from despair, while ignoring that fact out of all of those years of praying, the world is still in hell, and that is why we need distractions, entertainment, vacations, vanity, to ignore the suffering and ignore the fact that we are doing nothing about it, but focusing on self pleasure and happiness.

When and as I feel desire to ignore what is going on in the world, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that everything that exists in this world exists due to our acceptance and allowance, and our justifications that lead to our personal happiness, and therefore within not wanting to face the world, I am not wanting to face myself. I commit myself to follow what is going on in the world, be aware of everything that is happening, and face myself, what I have been accepting and allowing within myself so that I can take a stand and no longer accept or allow the dishonesty, greed, and suffering within self and throughout the world.