Being "stood up"

This past Saturday, I hosted a birthday party for my son. One of my friends, who had said she would attend, didn't show up. When I didn't receive any phone call, or message from her, I texted her to ask if she was still coming.With no response in the next few hours, I texted her again to see if she was allright. By the next day, with still no word from her, I texted her yet again but still had no response by the day after.

So here is where the thoughts come up. 'She could have gotten in a car crash and I wouldn't even know'. And then the thought, 'she's probably alright but just didn't bother to call me because she doesn't think I deserve the respect of a phone call or a message'. Okay, so here is my mind cunjuring up these ideas of what may have happened, but the thing is, it is only in my head. I follow the thought's and ether respond in fear or anger. Am I really going to allow this reaction to my own thinking? NO!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'she could have gotten in a car crash', when this is just an idea in my head, that brings unnecessary fear to surface.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not getting contact from my friend when she said she'd be here with the thought 'she could've gotten in a car crash'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing - not recieveing contact/call from my friend when she said she'd be here – as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought of 'she could've gotten in a car crash'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'she could have gotten in a car crash' to an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'she's probably alright but just didn't bother to call me because she doesn't think I deserve the respect of a phone call or message'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect- not recieveing contact/phone call from my friend when she said she'd be here to the thought 'she's probably alright but just didn't bother to call me because she doesn't think I deserve the respect of a phone call or message'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing-not recieving contact/phone call from my friend when she said she'd be here –to exist as a trigger point within me which triggers the thought 'she's probably alright but just didn't bother to call me because she doesn't think I deserve the respect of a phone call or message'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire respect from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for respect from others to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for appreciation and self worth from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that no one but I can decide and measure my self worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself connect the thought 'she's probably alright but just didn't bother to call me because she doesn't think I deserve the respect of a phone call or message' to an emotional experience of dissapointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an experience of dissapointment.

When I am in a situation where I am waiting for a friend to show up who said she would be here and I don't receive any call or message from her even by two days later, instead of following the thoughts of possibilities in my head, I stop, I breath, I do not allow myself to be in and of the mind, following thoughts and reacting in emotions, and do not allow myself to see myself as how I percieve someone else may view me, but I stand here as the breath, as life, and realise that no one can decide for me my self worth, but myself, and also realise that it is out of my own thoughts that I had created and reacted in fear and I have control to stop the thoughts therefore halting the fear as well.

Taking it personnaly

Someone commented to me after a vlog I posted that I am anorexic. It began as a question that I answered as 'no, but I may appear to be because of my prominent bone structure and thin skin'. The person then said I definitely was anorexic, and I responded to him that he may want to look into why it is so important to him to label me, that maybe he is obese and feels better to label me as anorexic. He responded that what I said was “a cheap shot”, that I am “anorexic and should just get on with my life”.

I allowed this to bother me, and spoke about it with a friend. She basically said the same thing, so I showed her my fat on my belly. She looked shocked. Then I posted a vlog about judgments and showed my fat belly on it as well, to make my point on false judgments and end the argument.

I read a blog by Sunette about how we hold a specific personal belief about ourselves and when someone argues against it, we take it personaly. This is what I did. I believe myself to be fairly 'healthy'. I was a personal trainer, have loads of knowlede on nutrition and fitness, and am still into exercising and eating 'right sized' portions of healthy fat, complex carbs, veggies and lean protein with every meal. Instead of 3 meals a day, I eat 5 smaller meals throughout the day to keep a well balanced blood sugar level. Exercising and eating healthy have become a lifestyle for me, so I do not feel restricted. I allow myself treats such as chocolate and cookies in moderation. So I feel I have found a good balance that works for me. I am energetic, strong, and have a healthy bodyfat percentage.

What I consider healthy bodyfat is a percentage that has not been proven risky for heart disease, but one that is typical of an active person. (between 18-22% for women) So I see myself as far from anorexic, being that I eat all day long, and believe in eating a good amount so I can grow muscle. If I skip a meal, I have a chance of fainting, (due to hypoglycemia) so I don't dare even leave my house without food. I have taught others the importance of not skipping meals due to slowing the metabolism. So being judged as anorexic could not be any farther from the truth. It just goes against my personal belief of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'take personnaly', react in frustration to the statement ''you are anorexic'' – because this statement does not fit into my personal belief of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word 'anorexic' with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label the word 'anorexic' as 'bad'/'negative'/'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word 'anorexic' through judging the word 'anorexic' as 'bad'/'negative'/'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a personal belief of myself, labeling myself as a certain way, as 'healthy', instead of opening myself up as equal to and one with all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'this judgment these people have of me couldn't be farther from the truth - how dare they judge me this way'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'this judgment these people have of me couldn't be farther from the truth – how dare they judge me this way', to an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment because I realise that not all people see me the way I see myself, and this is only a judgment I have made for myself about myself in my own head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed because I cannot control how others see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth through another's eyes instead of realising that no one else can measure my self worth but myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that how another sees me does not and can never determine who I am or how valuable I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place self value in outward appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place self value in how 'healthy' I or others percieve me to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself unconditionally.

When and as I hear another's judgment of me – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to 'take it personnally' by comparing it to my own self judgment. Instead I realise that I have held onto a personal belief of myself, labeling myself as 'healthy', to feed into and protect my ego, which requires approval from others to survive and I realise that the judgment from others I receive does not and cannot determine who I am or how valuable I am, so I stop my dependency on my ego to judge my self worth, and stop seperating myself from others. Instead I embrace others as myself as equal and one, valuing myself as others as who we are as life as all as one as equal.

Judging self through the eyes of my partner

My partner and I were on the way home from dropping off our van at the mechanic shop to be repaired. The back door is broken and it will cost about three hundred $ to fix it because it will take time to get it open. The brake light also needs to be replaced and I had asked my partner how much that would be. He replied in a shure way but was only guessing it would be about twenty $. I jokingly said, "you sure about that?" because it is so expensive to replace the handle just because it is so difficult to get to.

I was also wondering because in my experience, the cost differs greatly from car to car depending on how easy it is to get to. He replied in a frustrated tone that he knew for sure that break lights are not too expensive to fix. Now this is where I began to think 'what, does he think I'm stupid or something, I know they are not too expensive but there could be a wider range depending on the model/make of car, and besides, the van door handle is more expensieve to fix than many cars.'

I felt frustration within me as I followed the thought and was tempted to tell him what I was thinking, but instead I decided it wasn't worth it to throw the ball back only to save my ego, and instead I stopped the mind and took a few deep breaths to bring myself back. I noticed the thought creep up a few moments later and was once again tempted to tell him how I thought, and anger arised in me, but I chose once again to focus on breathing.

As we pulled into the driveway, I still had the thought creeping up again and I couldn't wait for him to leave. I was having trouble with this because I felt he was being unfair and wasn't allowing any communication and I felt restricted to express myself fully within communication. I felt that to talk further would only cause him to raise his defenses so that is why I wanted him to leave. I continued breathing deeply, stopping the thoughts momentarily that were persistantly pushing through. I was finally able to 'forget'/'let go' of these thoughts as soon as he was gone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'What does he think I'm stupid or something?'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hearing my partner's frustrated tone while speaking to me to the thought 'what does he think I'm stupid or something?'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my partner's frustrated tone while speaking to me to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought 'what does he think I'm stupid or something?'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'what does he think I'm stupid or something?' to an emotional experience of disappointment and anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and emotional experience of disappointment and anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and emotional experience of dissapointment and anger because I realise that I am not able to control how my partner/others judge me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dissapointed because I realise that I need not to look to my parnter/others for self worth but to find trust in self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to love myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that how my partner/others judge me does not and can never determine who I am or 'how valuable' I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dissapointed and angry with my partner after comparing myself to him and judging myself as 'less intelligent'/'less than him' through the eyes of my partner -instead of realising and accepting myself as equal and one as my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word 'stupid' with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'stupid' as 'bad'/'negative'/'wrong' within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as the word 'stupid' through my perception of how my partner sees me, through judging the word 'stupid' as 'bad'/'negative'/'wrong'.

I realise that how my partner/others judge me does not and cannot determine who I am or 'how valuable' I am – only I am able to determine my self value. I realise and accept myself as equal and one as my partner – my partner and I are equal and one. As my partner and I are equal and one, I realise that I cannot be inferior or superior to my partner, and therefore, any disappointment and/or anger is irrelevant and a waste of time.

When and as I hear my partner's frustrated tone when talking to me – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to compare myself with my partner or judge myself through my percetion of how my partner sees me. Instead – I learn trust and value within myself through writing self forgiveness and following through with self corrective application, and I embrace my partner as myself and realise that my partner and I are equal and one, valuing myself as my partner as who we are as life as all as one as equal.

Separation in Judgment

I am new at vlogs and have only done a few. One of them got a comment that had nothing to do with what I had been talking about. The topic was making excuses to not do what we have to do. The comment was that I must be anorexic. When I replied that I only have prominent bones and thin skin and this person should think about these things before making judgments he responded with a comment that I definately am anorexic and am in denial.

So I told him he might want to ask himself why he is so concerned with labeling me as anorexic and he might want to look at himself and see if he feels he might be obese and attempting to feel better about himself by saying I'm anorexic. He said that was a hard blow and I should get on with my life, so I created a vlog about jugment in response to how he was making judgment of me and why.

 I told a friend about it and she agreed with the person who commented on me being anorexic, and she continued to tell me how unhealthy, and gaunt I look. I might understand if I were unhealthy, but I am not unhealthy. I jog on a daily basis, I eat fresh fruits and veggies daily, nuts, legumes, proper proportions of each food group, (protien, complex carbs, healthy fat) I don't eat junk (fast food) and I am at a healthy, actually optimal body fat percentage and weight for my height and age. I used to wear makeup whenever I visited with friends and I don't always do that anymore. Sometimes I do, and when I do, I think about why, ego needs attention, or feeling low, or just because I want to play etc...

This friend is not used to seeing me without makeup, so I thought about how in our society we hold expectations on how we should look. Make-up companies and film industry pressure us to believe that we are flawed and we need make-up to fix our imperfections. I was supporting that idea by wearing make-up everytime I socialised with friends. Now that I usually do not wear make-up, even when with freinds or any public place, I am no longer supporting this fantasy world of perfection, and I am now being judged as looking sickly, when in actuality I am healthier than these people who are making the judgments and in fact healthier than most of the people in my country.

These judgments that we make of eachother are only ideas in our own heads, our own personal beliefs about others that isn't even real, yet we fool ourselves into thinking it is real. We are chosing to separate ouselves from eachother by following our judgments and we never get to really know eachother. When we dress up nicely and wear makeup to cover imperfections, and style our hair to create a perfect shape to our face, we are being deceptive. We are creating a perfect image to appear beautiful in the eyes of others, to appear unflawed, and within this deception we are feeding the need for other's to do the same. We are so used to playing the game of perfection that when we don't attempt to cover "flaws", which are not even flaws but normal humaness, we are judged as sick. We believe that something is wrong with a person when they don't 'fix' their appearance.

People have imperfections in their skin, hair, body fat, the way we dress, the way we speak, because we are all different in these ways and we all carry our own judgments of what is 'right', of what is considered 'healthy'. These are only judgments in our heads. They are not real. These judgments do nothing except create delusion and separation. How about we stop following these judgments, these self-lies, and get real. How about we actually get to know someone instead of make-believing what we want to believe about them. How about we stop decieveing ourselves with our thoughts and stop decieveing eachother with our constant attempt to cover any self created and judged 'flaws' of ourselves. How about we stop comparing ourselves to eachother and competing.

It is time we escape the mind and all the delusional beliefs that come with it creating judgment and constant separation. It is time we realise that we are all earthlings, we are all in this life together. It is time we give eachother the chance to reveal who we really are underneath the deception and unite as equals.