Anger with 'people'

 

 Okay, I tried to spread the word. I tried to give the message of life, of reality. I have uncovered the veil and burst many bubbles of delusion people want to hide in. In all the effort I have made to reveal this world and what we all have been accepting and allowing, so we can work together to stop allowing the abuse, I have only received harsh judgment, gossip, and threats in return. I have become angry with people because when I gave them reality, they didn't want to see it, but chose to blame me for being a “bad”/”negative” person. It came down to only two people who actually respond with agreement to some of the posts about our current reality.

 

  So I have allowed the previous reactions from people, and the current state of “being ignored” to ignite anger in me. At least that is how I have been allowing myself to see it. Now I realize that my anger is with myself. I tried to change people, instead of only focusing on myself, because I can only change myself. I longed to be accepted by others, when I only need to accept myself, and not judge myself based  on another person's judgment of me. I had allowed myself to feel like a failure only because I could not change others, and because I was only cast out and labeled as abnormal.

 

  I had allowed myself to fear for my survival by fearing what others had threatened to do to me and my children. I had almost given up, because in some ways, in the immediate, it is easier/safer to just blend in with the crowd, have people accept you as “normal”. It is easier to play the pretty picture, to live in vanity like others, because that is what people can “connect with” as people like to play that game. It is easier to speak of the positive, because that it what people want to hear as they try to ignore what we all have been accepting and allowing ourselves to abuse and destruct.

 

  Even as the thought of giving up came across many occasions, I could not because I cannot live a lie. I had a lot of trouble facing myself, my anger, and I didn't want to write. My dog had cancer and I was angry that I could not save him, after I did everything I could to bring him back to good health, because I felt he was too innocent to suffer and to young to die. So instead of writing and facing myself, I kept busy with the house work, the children, yard work, and of course mopping the floors every few hours and cleaning my dog from blood, diarrhea , urine and vomit.

 

  I was angry at my friend who I had allowed to influence me into going out and drink alcohol to celebrate my birthday, which lead me into getting arrested, when I have been practicing such a healthy lifestyle at the time only to be convinced to “have fun”. It was myself I was angry with. It was ultimately my choice to go out and drink. I just wanted to blame her so I couldn't see that it was I who messed up. It was easy to blame her because she has a way with pressuring me with words, yet it seems that being with her has cost me more trouble than peace on many occasions.

 

  Anger at the police who wrote lies about me in order to convict me really overwhelmed me, as I felt it was so unjust. They call it the justice system, yet they can say whatever they want and of course the judge will believe the police before they will believe the defendant. I was angry with the way they made fun of me when they arrested me, because they were laughing and happy to arrest me, when it was the start of a hard life for me and a lot of fines that I cannot afford. So I was angry with myself for even putting myself in the situation where a cop could do that.

 

  All this anger, and blame I placed in people, yet I didn't want to realize it has always been myself I have been angry with. I had allowed myself to be consumed in anger to a degree of almost quitting everything I have been standing up for. Yet I can not quit. I know reality for what it is, and I cannot pretend. I know the Desteni is the only way because it is facing self, facing reality for exactly what it is, and putting and end to the cycle of allowing the mind, the ego, and fear to control, and to stop accepting and allowing the abuse and destruction of our home Earth and all life in the name of selfishness.

 

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that anger exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define myself according to anger as what I am.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate with anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to react with anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to react in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert anger to another instead of realizing that this anger within me- has been manifested by myself through my participation of thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to react with anger and in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger with another and thus validated the existence of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with people/humanity.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards people/humanity.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within myself towards myself instead of standing up and saying: 'To hear no further' and stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with the police men who lied about me and made fun of me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards the police.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with the 'justice system'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards the 'justice system'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with my friend.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards my friend.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with cancer.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards cancer.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with my friends/family.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards my friends/family.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that exerting anger to someone or something separate from me is a statement of blame- instead of me taking self-responsibility for me in applying self-forgiveness for allowing and accepting anger within me through the participation of thoughts and thus me standing up as me for me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that anger exists within me because I am not allowing myself to take self-responsibility for me in living self-honesty.

 

When and as I feel anger within me, I stop, I breathe, I stand up and say 'to hear no further' and I do not  allow myself to follow my thoughts or participate in the emotion of anger. I no longer place blame, instead I accept responsibility, look to where I have been living in dishonesty and discipline myself to live once again in honesty.

 

Desire for clothes

 

I have a ton of clothes in my closet and in my attic that I haven't worn in a long time, some that I have never worn. The accumulation is due to a constant search for the perfect fit. Being a petite person, I have always had trouble finding clothes that fit me and had to resort to either young children clothes or more age appropriate, yet way too big teen clothes when I was in high school. I was constantly being called names, “short stuff”, shrimp”, “little bit”, “little girl”, “baby”, to name a few, and was treated as such, as a baby.

 

 So I grew up being treated and viewed as someone who couldn't understand at the level I was at. It was so very frustrating to not be taken seriously, and yet to be made fun of as if I were not even a human being. My wardrobe of ill fitting, super baggy “grown up clothes” or well fitting young child's clothes only exasperated the situation. I had a choice to either look like I was being swallowed up in material, or to look like I was a very young child, either way, I still looked like a very young child.

 

There are finally stores that make clothes to fit all sizes of people. Just recently I found a pair of jeans that actually fit perfectly, well they are still a little bit long, even the short kind, but everywhere else fits me perfectly! They are so comfortable, they cover my whole butt, are not too loose in the waist, they don't sag in the crotch or under the but, and they don't stick out in the hip area. And they are very soft and comfortable. They actually fit me and I am so happy I found them that I want to buy more, more, more! So I have this desire to buy another pair, and then another, and I also want to buy a pair that have the same fit but a different style at the bottom, so I can achieve another look.

 

 I don't have the money to buy more, yet this desire for more is consuming me. I have a coupon for this particular store where my mom bought me the jeans that expires today and I am so tempted to use it. I want another pair of these perfect jeans because I feel like it will complete me. I will not have to search  any longer for something that fits. I went through my jean collection last night and pulled out 15 pairs of jeans that almost fit, but all had something either unflattering or uncomfortable about them. I know desiring clothes that are comfortable is not a problem, but the desire to look good, to the point of spending more money than I have is a problem. I have finally found jeans that look great on me and they are super comfortable, and I cannot seem to let this desire for more go!

 

It all “boils down” to wanting to be accepted by others, and in that, it is only because I am not currently accepting myself, otherwise I would not be in this need for acceptance from others. I know this from personal experience.

 

Over a year ago, I grew tired of this need to be beautiful and accepted, as I learned to accept myself as I am. I no longer wanted to wear jewelry or make-up, and it extended to my hair. I was sick of having to style it whenever I went out in public, sick of the vanity, when I looked around me to find this messed up world filled with young girls and women torturing themselves through anorexia, or plastic surgery just so they could feel accepted and beautiful, and the people who lost their hair due to cancer or alopecia. I was tired of  the dependence of feeling pretty to be happy. I had this vanity in me that caused me to be frustrated when I had a “bad hair day”, or when I couldn't find something to wear in my closet full of clothes. So I was done with it, because I understood it, finally, and I learned to fully accept me as me.

 

I stopped wearing jewelry and uncomfortable clothes, shaved my hair, and completely liberated myself from any dependency on appearance. I felt a connection with the people who don't have a choice about their hair or clothes and basically a connection with all of humanity as equals, as I was no longer trying to impress with how I look, or compete with beauty and style, and I felt amazing, like a whole person, without any search anymore for acceptance. I felt love for myself, with my bald head and all the bumps and imperfections. I felt love for myself and others, putting and end to the “competition” and desire to be liked in this world of outer beauty.

 

So what happened? Why am I in this place I am at today? I had allowed my family and “friends” to “break” me, out of fear of survival. I was threatened to have my children taken away by one of my family members. My long time best friend became friends on Facebook with a family member of mine just so they could “worry” and gossip about me. Shoot, I had most of my family doing that, and eventually my parents blamed their stress and high blood pressure on me! My mom actually begged me to be “normal”.

 

It seemed as though, as soon as I found myself and fully accepted and loved myself even in “abnormalness”, even without hair, without society's definition of being a beautiful woman, I felt more beautiful than I ever had before, yet my security in survival in this world was threatened. My security, my family, and “friends”, were not able to understand, but only gossiped about me, and made judgment about me as if there was something wrong with me. They were casting me out as defective. I could not have that. I was in fear of losing everything, my children, my “freedom”, because all it takes is for your family to say you are sick, put you away, and take your children.

 

There I had been completely honest, and virtually no one (except Destonians) and one or two other  friends of mine could handle it or understand it. No one wanted to see it. They only made excuses for their continued participation in this dishonest and competitive way of being.

 

I grew my hair back, and began to act like others in society, basically because I felt like it was the safest route to my survival. I have even found myself fibbing about covering my gray hair when I don't have gray hair just to have a connection with others, so I could be like they are, in vanity and help them feel more comfortable around me. Because after all, it is not human to not be in vain! At least that is the “normal” way of thinking. I  have allowed myself to fall back into vanity, yet I still have an understanding of what I am doing. I am back in the game again, and though it seems fun on the surface, I realize how consuming it can be, and damaging to the love and acceptance of self, not to mention damaging to the wallet as well!

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance self love, and beauty by accepting and allowing myself to define my self acceptance and beauty within having the perfect fitting, flattering and stylish clothes, and ultimately acceptance from others, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that these desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to now act on my desires -  when actually desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred into my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everyone and everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire something that it because I believe that that which I desire can give me something as though that something is not already who I am.

 I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings of 'something's wrong', 'I am not satisfied', 'I am not complete', 'I am not fulfilled', - and to believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to look nice and ultimately find acceptance from others to be complete, fulfilled and satisfied with myself and to find acceptance in myself.

 

When and as I begin to desire something outside of myself to feel complete, like clothes, I stop, I breathe, and do not accept or allow myself the need to be dependent on or to search for something outside of me to define me. Instead, I realize that I am here, whole, and complete as I am. I realize that self worth is not to be found from acceptance from others, for that is only in an individual's opinion, and that self acceptance is found within self, already here, not by what I put on my body, or what others think of me. I realize that in desire to dress nice, I am only placing myself in separation from everyone and everything that is here, equal and one, so I breathe through this and remember that I am equal and one with all life.

 

Fear of losing my children

http://amanda-richert.blogspot.com/2012/11/fear-of-losing-my-children-i-watched.html

I watched a movie a few weeks ago that had a parent losing a child. My eyes teared up as I imagined myself in the same position. I did not want to write about this at first because I didn't think this was a fear that really has any control over me, well, to be more precise, a fear that I had allowed myself to be controlled by, but I realize that I do have this fear, otherwise I wouldn't have cried when watching the movie. So I will write about my fear of losing my children and apply self forgiveness accordingly, and get this shit out of my system!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the thought “I could lose my children and I wouldn't be able to bear it.” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – through participation within the thought “ I could lose my children and I wouldn't be able to bear it.” - become fearful and sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “ I could lose my children and I wouldn't be able to bear it.” to an emotional experience of fear and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear and sadness because I realize that even though I am doing and always will do everything in my ability to protect them, I am not able to fully control what happens to my children or when they die.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect “losing my children” to fear and thus - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect “losing my creation” to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing “fear of loss” to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of “fear of loss”, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation because my creation is me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question my fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear is self created.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I experience fear that I am actually only fearing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear is only a pre-programmed reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as all life, one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for allowing myself to experience fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become mentally attached to my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a dependency to this mental attachment to my children that I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by this mental attachment I have created with my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am separate from my children by creating this dependency on being with them, when I already am with them as life as one as equal as life's entity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself through fearing this loss of my definition of myself with my children instead of realizing that I am as they are equal and one as life.

When and as I begin to fear losing my children, I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow fear to consume me. Instead I realize and understand that fear is not real, but only an emotion I am conjuring up and allowing, and that it is only myself that I am “fearing”. I realize that fear is only a distraction from what is here, as myself as life, and I no longer allow this emotion to exist within me to distract me or to separate me from who I am and who we are as one life as equal.

Fear of the Future, My Punishment

http://amanda-richert.blogspot.com/2012/11/fear-of-future-mypunishment-although-i.html

Although I had not been going out at night, instead I had been going to bed at an early bed time, and waking up early to exercise each morning, I had allowed one of my friends to convince me to go out with her to celebrate my birthday. She told me she was going to buy me a shot but I refused, telling her I don't do shots, especially when I am driving. I know now I shouldn't have, but I did drink alcohol, even though it was only a few ultra light beers, I guess I felt like I needed it to enjoy myself. After having a few beers I had a little buzz, and that was the end of thinking clearly. I had allowed her to convince me into drinking a very mild “shot”, it was actually just a small amount of mixed drink in a shot glass, not enough to make me drunk. I soon tired and wanted to get something to eat and leave, it was after all about 1am and I was used to going to bed at 9:30. My friend was not ready to end the “party” and refused to leave with me, so I bought a sandwich and headed out.

When I started my car, which I had recently been gifted from my father, the headlights automatically turned on. This is a feature I am not used to, since I am used to driving much older vehicles. I was trying to put my sandwich down on the seat in a way it wouldn't spill over, and noticed my headlights shining against the building in front of me, so I assumed all my lights were in fact on, yet this feature doesn't include taillights.

I had my favorite music on, while munching on my sandwich and I was happy to be going home. The 6-lane highway was completely empty, and as I saw the traffic light up ahead still green where I needed to turn, I sped up so I could avoid catching it red and having to wait, since this light in particular is a very long one. As I neared the intersection, I noticed lights behind me flashing and the siren of a police car. After making the turn I pulled into a parking lot, and parked my car.

The state trooper told me I had no taillights on, and that I had been speeding. He then asked me where I had been and I was honest with him. (Now I wish I hadn't been). He asked me if I had anything to drink and I told him I had a couple of light beers. Then I was told to balance on a line, with my arms out, and lift one leg up in front of me at a time, as high as possible, alternating legs and then turn around and come back doing the same. I, being well trained and balanced at ballet, (and NOT being drunk), handled this “test” with no problem, even though it was dark, and windy. When I completed the test, lowered my arms gracefully, and the cop said I was dancing. I think he was angry, and he was trying to prove that I was drunk. He noticed that my car was not parked straight in between the lines and said I must be drunk because I didn't park straight. I didn't think parking straight mattered when the parking lot was completely empty and I was being pulled over by a cop. He arrested me, put me in a cage, and told me to call my friends to pick me up.

I tried calling my husband, yet he didn't answer the phone. My friend texted me, asking me to not tell her husband she wasn't with me, I texted her back that I had been arrested. Her husband called me, yelling at me, asking where his wife was, I told him I didn't know, and that I had been arrested. I repeatedly tried to reach my husband on his phone with no response. While I was on the phone, the trooper was reading Miranda rights, about what happens if I refuse to blow in the breath-a-lizer machine. I didn't hear him. He stuck this little round plastic thing through the cage and told me to blow hard into it. I didn't trust that machine, or the trooper and I refused to blow into it, telling him I have small children to take care of. He then laughed at me, saying that I was to be booked in jail since I refused, and happily said he had read the Miranda rights. I know those machines are inaccurate, up to 15%, especially if you have elevated ketones in your blood, (which I do) or if the person handling the machine doesn't do it precisely. If I would have blown into it, it there is a good chance it would have shown an inaccurate reading, landing me in more trouble.

So I was placed in jail, and now am faced with criminal charges. I have a phone hearing with the drivers license bureau on Oct.28, and a criminal hearing with the court on November 2. I will most likely have my drivers license taken away from me for a year, since I refused to blow into the machine, will have to pay fines of more than two thousand dollars, have to complete 40 hours of community service, picking up trash from the side of the road, and will be watched on probation.

I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of loosing my drivers license, and afraid of community service and hurting my already messed up back. I am afraid of feeling stuck, and getting depressed. I am afraid of the judgments I will receive from people. I am afraid of being labeled a criminal. I am afraid of getting into more trouble some how. I am afraid of not being able to spend time with my family on weekends because I will be doing community service. I am afraid of being dependent on others to go places. I am afraid of not being able to pay the fines, and of being broke and poor. I am afraid of being treated terribly again by the police. I am afraid of loosing the freedom to drive when and where I want.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear the future when the future is only a mind projected idea that disables me from living here in this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the future to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my drivers license and the freedom to go where I want to go when I want to go there by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect loosing my drivers license and perceived lack of freedom with fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear being dependent on others to bring me places. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear with dependency, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a nuisance to others whom I will be dependent on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being a perceived nuisance to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear trusting others to safely drive me places. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear for my life when riding as a passenger. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a lack of trust in the way others drive to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with how others drive because they do not follow safety rules the same way that I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting my back with having to pick up trash hours on end. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hurting my back with fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear being sad and depressed from having to pick up trash all day long for weeks. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be depressed from the feeling of being stuck in the house without the freedom to drive anywhere. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to sadness and depression and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear being labeled as a criminal, and judged by others in a bad manner without people knowing who I really am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being labeled/judged to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear getting into more trouble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting into more trouble to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear punishments unknown, when that is only a story in my mind, and not the reality of the moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect punishments unknown to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear not having enough money to pay the fines I will owe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not having enough money to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear having to eat beans and rice on a daily basis, because that is all I will be able to pay for. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my immediate family and children especially, getting sick from not being able to eat healthy fruits and vegetables because I may not be able to afford them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting my family and I getting sick to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being treated poorly by the authorities, because that is what has already happened, when this fear is based on a past memory, in my head which does not tell the future. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being treated poorly by the authorities to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own reaction when being treated poorly, when it is my choice to accept and allow if I will react to someone and if I will allow that person to bother me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my reaction to being treated poorly to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my friend, when it was ultimately my decision to go out with her when I was concerned I wouldn't enjoy it because I was used to going to sleep so early and would be too tired to have fun.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I had to drink alcohol to enjoy myself, and to connect that thought with the emotion of boredom and disappointment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of boredom and disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of assuming my taillights were on when I saw my headlights shining on the building I was parked in front of. I forgive myself for

accepting and allowing myself to be distracted from checking my light situation because I was too busy trying to prop up my sandwich so it wouldn't spill.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speed up when I noticed the traffic light was still green, just so I wouldn't have to wait. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impatient for having to wait at a traffic light. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear sitting alone at night on an empty road at an intersection. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting alone at night at an empty intersection to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so naïve, not thinking that there were police hiding out, waiting to catch someone (me).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought “ this cop is an asshole” and connecting that thought with the emotion of anger. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotion of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the man who was so rude with me, for he was trying to prove that I was drunk, and for his lies on the police report about me dancing during the field sobriety test just because I was graceful when lowering my arms.

I forgive myself for feeling bad about myself for being graceful during a test, when it is a daily habit for me to practice the same movements as they had me do during the test, yet when I practice it is always in a graceful manner that which has become engrained within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word freedom with a positive value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word freedom as 'good'/'positive'/'right' within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom' through judging the word 'freedom' as 'good'/'positive'/'right'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'freedom' with the ability to drive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'freedom' within being able to drive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom' and from being able to drive through defining the word 'freedom' within driving in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'freedom' with not having to do community service. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'freedom' within not having to do community service. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom' from having to do community service through defining the word 'freedom' within not having to do community service in separation of myself.

When and as I begin to fear the future, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to get caught up in my mind-projected thoughts of what could happen. Instead I bring myself back here in the moment as life, out of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I begin to feel afraid about loosing my drivers license and my mind-projected freedom, I stop, I breath, I do not accept or allow myself to define freedom within having a drivers license, I do

not allow myself to fear life without being able to drive when and where I want, for I remind myself that it is only a thought about what may happen, and to follow the thought is to not live, but to be in an imaginary state. Instead I embrace life as it is, with what I have, and what I am still able to do, like raise my children, house and yard work, and writing, and music. I remind myself that driving is not freedom, but a privilege, that I do not have to allow myself to feel dependent on. I can and will adjust to what my life will become.

When and as I begin to fear community service, and my back being under too much pressure from repeatedly picking up trash for hours on end, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate in the thoughts feelings and emotions associated with thoughts of the future, with thoughts of what community service will be like. That is something I will just have to see for myself , something for me to experience. I do not know for sure if it will hurt my back, and worry about it now certainly will not make a difference, but only stop me from living.

When and as I feel pressured to participate in something I am not entirely willing to do, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to succumb to peer pressure, but instead listen to my self, what I feel is best for me. I do not allow myself to be afraid of what my “friend” may think of me when I refuse, for her to not accept me would make her not a friend at all, and I don't want to be around people like that. I will put trust in myself, and value my own opinion, I will not try to make sense out of abusive behavior such as going out past my bed time and drinking.

When and as I feel anger with the state troopers who lied about me, and treated me poorly, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the memories of those difficult times, I do not allow myself to participate in the emotional response of anger. Instead I forgive the state troopers, and embrace them as myself and realize that I and the state troopers are equal and one, valuing myself as the state troopers as who we are as life as all as one as equal.

When and as I become impatient when driving, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to participate in impatience, but I make the wise decision to follow the law, and not speed.

When and as I feel fear for sitting in the car alone at an intersection on an empty street, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to follow thoughts of what could happen to me, or the emotion of fear that is connected to the thought, for that is only my mind making up a story, something that is to keep me from living, a possibility that is not real. Instead I bring myself back into the present and deal with what I have to deal with in the moment.

When and as I feel bad about myself for gracefully lowering my arms during my field sobriety test, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to make judgment of myself, but instead I realize that it is engrained in me to be graceful, since it is what I have been practicing on a daily basis for more than eight years straight, and even in my childhood for many years. I do not allow myself to judge myself because of the way the state trooper judged me, because he doesn't know me, or what I do on a regular basis.

When and as I feel mad at myself for being naïve, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to continue on in the thought of what I should have done, instead I will be much more careful in the future, because I realize that even I can get into trouble even if I feel like I am doing nothing “wrong”. Right and wrong is only a judgment in my mind, it is not real, it is an opinion, and it doesn't make a difference when it comes to someone else's idea of right and wrong, especially when it comes to law enforcement.

When and as I fear being labeled a criminal, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to care about what others think about me, instead I put my trust in self, for I know me better than anyone, and it doesn't matter what others think, especially people who don't know me at all. Instead, I think of my self as a “bad-ass criminal ya don't wanna mess with!” lol -just kidding! ; )