Trust as Self-Dishonesty - “Why
didn't I just listen to myself?”
I made a bad mistake by not trusting
myself. I had been quite content with staying home, reading, hanging
with my children and husband, retiring to bed at 9:30pm and waking up
at 5:30am to walk and ride my bike. My birthday was coming up and one
of my friends wanted to “take me out” to celebrate. I initially
had the feeling that I was not at all interested in going out to a
bar, drinking, and staying up late, since after all I was in a great
routine of taking care of myself the best way I could. I had no
desire for anything else, but I chose to follow my thoughts and
allowed fear to lead my decision. I didn't want to disappoint my
friend, and have her believe that I am no fun anymore. I began to
wonder if I really was no fun anymore, and told myself that I could
have fun going out again, although I always had a nagging feeling
that I shouldn't go, that I would be too tired, and that I would be
abusing myself. I truly wanted to stay home, but I went out anyway.
Because my friend cannot drive, I had
to drive us out. Before we even arrived my friend was trying to
convince me into letting her buy me a “birthday shot”. I told her
I do not do shots, because they are too strong, I don't want to “get
wasted”, and I had to drive us home. I felt like I wouldn't enjoy
myself unless I drank some alcohol so I chose to drink only ultra
light beer, because it has the least amount of alcohol in it, and I
thought that was the safest route for me. The problem here, is that
after two beers, I was feeling a slight buzz, meaning my brain was
already distorted, and I allowed my friend to talk me into taking a
very weak “shot”. It was not straight up liquor, but a small
amount of a mixed drink with a silly name to it. I had refused a few
times but allowed myself to be persuaded because I didn't want to be
considered “no fun”. I had allowed myself to succumb to peer
pressure, to be like the rest of the group, and to fit in. I took the
shot.
It was getting late, probably about
1:00am, four hours past my bed time, and I was ready to go home but
my friend was not ready to leave. She told me she really wanted to
stay out and that she would find a ride home, and I realized there
was no convincing her to leave with me. I bought a sandwich before I
left, and headed out. I was tired, and distracted by my sandwich
spilling over when I first started the car. Seeing the headlights
shine on the building in front of me, I had believed they were fully
on, but they weren't. A feature on my car (which is new to me)
automatically turns on the headlights partially, but not the tail
lights, fooled me into thinking I had them both all the way on.
Within five minutes of leaving, I was pulled over by a state trooper
for speeding and driving without taillights. I was speeding because I
noticed the traffic light, which tends to be one that takes a very
long time to change, far up ahead of me was still green and I didn't
want to get stuck at it at this late time of night by myself.
When I was asked where I had come from
and if I had anything to drink, I was honest. I didn't think I had
too much to impair my driving. I felt very tired, but not drunk. My
eyes were red and watery from being in a smokey bar, yet the state
trooper used that as proof I was drunk. I refused to blow into an
intoxilizer, because I don't trust my fate in a machine that is
proven to be 15% inaccurate, especially for people who have elevated
keytones due to exercising. Because of my refusal, I automatically
had my drivers license suspended for a full year. I had no choice but
to admit guilt for driving while intoxicated, because if I were to go
to trial and lose, I would be placed in jail for six months and I
cannot take that chance.
All of this is due to me not placing
trust in myself. I wish I would have just told my friend I wasn't
interested in going out for my birthday. I wish I would have trusted
myself, my initial feeling that I should not go out. Instead, I
allowed myself to follow my thoughts and fears. I placed my trust in
my friend, who I allowed to convince me in what I should do to
“celebrate my birthday and have fun”, instead of placing trust in
myself, and because of this I am in a whole lot of trouble. I will be
paying for this one decision 'to not place trust within myself ' for
the next two years.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from myself by defining my trust
within another.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining
and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from other beings by placing my
trust within them, instead of trusting myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to place my trust in others because I am too afraid
to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this
world.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to place my trust outside of myself because I am
afraid of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to try to get other people to trust me, because if
they trust me I can manipulate and control them.
I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust in another, that
they will betray and deceive me- equal and one to my starting point
of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to realize that therefore betrayal doesn't actually
exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not
realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of
trusting them in the first place- and therefore I am responsible, and
cannot blame them for feeling betrayed.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do/who to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to trust my mind to tell me what to do/who to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to trust my mind instead of trusting myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to my mind in
trusting my mind rather than me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and
allowed myself to diminish my self trust through continuously
choosing my mind over me- following what my mind tells me to do,
suppressing myself- instead of doing and saying what requires to be
done or spoken in a moment.
When and as I feel pressured to do
something that someone else wants to do, I stop, I breath, I listen
to myself, and I do not accept or allow myself to react to what the
other person says. I do not allow myself to follow my thoughts, my
memories and my fears. I ask myself why I feel it is important to
please this other person, I do not accept or allow my self to
manipulate the other by attempting to get the other to trust me and I
do not accept or allow myself to be manipulated by the other.
Instead- I place my trust within myself, and take responsibility for
myself, living my words as who I am, embracing the other as equal and
one to myself.
