I have been married to my partner for
over nine years, and been together with him for ten and a half years.
It has been a bumpy ride to say the least. In the beginning, we were
so in love, and infatuated with each other that we tended to live in
a fantasy when we were together. This fantasy was like a drug, the
“love drug”. We couldn't find too much fault in each other, and
any fault we did find was easily forgivable, because all the rest
over-powered it. I had found my match, my guy to start a family with,
my partner to live life with, my best friend who I could talk for
hours to.
Then something happened that I allowed
to make me believe that I am not enough to satisfy my partner. We
were engaged to be married at the time when I was modeling langere at
a grand opening party. We the models were to mingle with the crowd
while wearing the attire as a showcase. My fiance was there and we
were talking with a group of people, some of whom I worked with at
the athletic club, when another model came up to us wearing a demi-
cup bra that pushed her breasts up like baked muffins rising in the
oven. My partner, with eyes glued to her muffins couldn't help but
let out a moan of excitement that no one in the group could miss. I
was so embarrassed, because I was standing right next to my fiance,
dressed up in a cute little nighty, yet he did not react to me in the
slightest as he had reacted to this girl. He was to marry me, not
her! This is the time I began to think that I would not be enough for
him.
As time went by we came across other
incidences that I allowed to make me feel as if I wouldn't be enough
for him. We used to watch porn together and get busy, but when I
noticed he couldn't focus on me at all, even when I was giving him
good treatment, yet he stayed focused on a particular porn star with
whom he lusted over, I would feel like he was using me as the body of
this other women. I would just feel....used, like a piece of meat. He
wouldn't even look at me for the entire act! I got pissed off and
asked him to pay attention to me when we were intimate and he decided
we should quit watching porn all-together. So “we” quit, or at
least that is what I thought, until I would come home from work and
catch him with the porn collection out of the attic and him in front
of the TV with his “other” woman, the woman he preferred to “get
off” to. This happened a couple of times over the next few months
even after he promised to quit, then I threw the box of porn in the
trash.
So I thought this “affair” my
husband had with his favorite porn star was finally over. We ended up
having a baby that I nursed at all hours of the night. Our baby and I
slept in another room so my husband could get sleep since he couldn't
breastfeed and he had to wake up for work every morning. I guess I
didn't realize at the time that I was exhausted from not getting
enough sleep myself and would have loved help. I should have bought a
good pump (instead of the manual one I had that did barely anything
but squeeze out a few drops) so my husband could help with the late
night feedings. Anyway, this left my partner ample time to re-ignite
his old flame. I had no idea for a few years it was going on. I did
have suspicions but when I asked him about it he completely denied it
and talked angrily to me like it was all in my head and I had trust
problems.
When I did catch him, I wanted to leave
him. I felt like he would always be thinking of this other woman
every time we had sex, and I would never be good enough for him. And
where would this stop, would he allow himself to eventually extend
his desire to having sex with someone else? I told him I wanted a
divorce. I just couldn't stay with a man who constantly lied to me
and lusted over other women. I just couldn't sleep with a man who
always had another woman in his mind, using me for my body. I also
had no idea if this was as far as he would or did go with it. How was
I to know that he didn't actually go out and sleep with other women?
He did have a relationship with another woman when we were engaged,
with whom he would spend time at her her house drinking wine. I was
infuriated with him for spending so much time with her and for
talking about me. So maybe I did have a problem trusting him, but I
wanted to trust him. I didn't want to give up on him.
And now with a baby in tow, I felt like
it would be extremely difficult to leave him. I felt horrible for our
son who wouldn't be with his father. So I gave my husband another
chance. He knew I wasn't going to put up with much more of the lies
and the lust for others, so I thought it may be enough for him to
pull himself together and seriously think about what he would lose if
he kept up his lustfully selfish and deceitful ways.
So the years went by and we tried
religion to strengthen our relationship. It helped in the way that it
was something we did together, but it didn't solve any core problems.
I had this lack of trust, and by this time I wasn't enjoying sex with
him anymore. Something I used to love to do I now detested and tried
to avoid like the plague.
We ended up having another baby, with
this being the only reason to have sex, (which only took one time). A
few years later we bought our first house. These were big events that
helped me to “forget” about our sex issues. I still avoided him
as much as possible, and focused on our children. I was surviving day
by day, raising our children, waiting out our marriage until the
children were old enough to not be so torn by divorce. I had been in
a small church group at the time and was happy to have support from
these other women and happy to have focus on helping others in our
community. Then I caught my husband yet again sneaking porn on the
internet.
I was so upset and thought “well he
is obviously not going to change his behavior, and I can either keep
on with the way things are, with him always deceiving me and lusting
over other women, and our sex life in the rut, or I can just end this
once and for all”. I decided to end it. I figured that the children
might actually end up happier in the long run because their mom would
finally be happy. I still had trouble thinking about splitting the
family up, and had an inkling of wishing to keep pretending things
were fine for the children. I was willing to give up my happiness for
my kids, but how would that work? They would most likely sense my
misery.
Then my husband convinced me to give
him yet another chance, saying he would write about his problem on
Desteni, and I would be able to follow his process by reading his
words that are written in all honesty. By this time I had given
Desteni a try and could see the possibility of my partner ending his
habit and deceitful ways. In this slightest possibility that he may
once and for all give up his obsession with other women and consider
me, his wife, enough for him, I gave him another opportunity at
marriage. After all, it would be best for the children if we could
work this out. And I want more than anything for the children to be
happy and have a healthy attitude towards life.
So here I am, trying not to give up. I
have been pushing myself to have sexual relations with my husband,
although it is difficult to get past the mind bullshit, thinking he
is still imagining he's with another woman, and trying to not notice
my flaws compared to what a porn star looks like, especially his
favorite porn star with the toned body, voluptuous breasts and long
blond hair. I am trying not to compare myself to her, and it is
difficult, because I do have all these flaws, I am getting older and
my skin is not so taught, my stomach not flat, and I have a boy's
hair cut. My breasts are not voluptuous and my butt could use a lift.
When we are in bed I can't help but to think about what he may be
thinking as my skin folds under his hands. I can't help but to think
he must want to escape to his mind, to his fantasy woman who looks
perfect to him. And the times that he doesn't orgasm, I am most
concerned that it is because I do not match up to his standard of
what he has habitually created as a necessity to turn him on and “get
him off”.
Through all of this mind stuff that I
have been experiencing, I have allowed space for desire. I desire to
be wanted, to be enough. I desire to be considered sexy enough to
keep a man interested in only me while we are having sex, and for his
mind to not wander to thoughts of a “better” woman. I want to be
able to please a man, and full-fill him without him wanting to
imagine another woman. I want to have sex and be the only one with
him in the moment, to be the object of his desire. I do not want to
share my sexual relations with an imaginary woman, but want a full-on
physical connection of intimacy with my partner alone. I have always
been ready for this, and this is how I define a sexual relationship,
yet my partner has his own ideas of sex which include something more
than me.
In fact he fessed up to this desire of
him wanting something more when he was recently asked by a friend of
mine. He said he would like to be with two girls because he wanted
something different. Hearing this, I felt my nerves creep up within
me, and told him about something that happened to me for the first
time in our marriage. I desired another man, to the point that I
didn't care about the consequences at the time.
In the ten years I have been with my
partner, I have not allowed myself to be carried away with desire for
another, I would not follow any thoughts or temptations, instead I
would remind myself of my partner, and immediately let the thought
go. But last week was a different story.
I went out by myself to open-mic night,
a night where local musicians get together and play on stage. My
partner and I have been taking turns babysitting while the other goes
out to this. I have been getting to know the other musicians, and
have built relationships with them to some extent, on a friendly
level. One of them is very attractive and talented with singing and
guitar. I have known him for almost a year and we would occasionally
have small chit chat about writing music since we both share the same
talents, but it always ended in just that, chit chat about music and
then I would go on my own way and he with his.
On this night we hung out with each
other for a good amount of time, chatting with others as well and
playing music together. I was on a “blissful-mind fuck” with him,
feeling like I was a queen on the top of the world with him having
eyes only for me. As I viewed his performance on stage, I began to
think about my desire to kiss him. As usual, I immediately thought of
my partner, but this time I didn't care if my partner were to kiss a
girl so I kept thinking about kissing this guy. As the night went on
I learned that he was a romantic, believing in one true love. I used
to believe the same, but then I realized how quickly that energy
fades after a couple of years go by, and with my experience with my
husband being so deceitful with lusting after other women and
sneaking porn I didn't even believe a man could want only one woman.
I thought it was admirable he had such a passion to be with just one
person, when I have experienced so many men who were never satisfied
with just one. So I was swept away in desire to be with this man who
only wanted me. But as much as I wanted to, I didn't allow myself to
kiss him. I vowed I would be with only one man over nine years ago,
and the drive to keep that vow still overrides my desire to follow
through in intimacy with another.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect seeing my partner only looking at his fave
porn-star (while I was in bed with him) and not at me with the
thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing my partner's fave porn star holding his attention while he
was with me to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the
thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect seeing my partner react openly with
excitement to another woman while standing next to me as I'm dressed
in sexy attire with the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my
partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the sight of my partner react openly with excitement to
another woman while standing next to me as I'm dressed in sexy attire
to exist as a trigger point within me that triggers the thought “I
am not enough to satisfy my partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect catching my partner sneaking porn with the
thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing catching my partner sneaking porn to exist as a trigger
point within me that triggers the thought “I am not enough to
satisfy my partner”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to desire to be enough to satisfy my partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the desire/want to be enough to satisfy my partner to exist
within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the thought “I am not enough to satisfy
my partner” to an emotional experience of disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of
disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment
because I realize that I have no control over whether or not my
partner is satisfied but that it is his choice if he has enough or
wants more.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to be disappointed because I don't want to face the
reality that it is not my choice on whether my partner is satisfied
or not.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think “my partner is imagining he's with his
fave porn star or another beautiful woman he recently drooled over
and not focused on me” when we are having sexual relations.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect sexual relations with my partner with the
thought “my partner is imagining he's with his fave porn star or
another beautiful woman he recently drooled over and not focused on
me”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing sexual relations with my partner to exist as a trigger point
within me that triggers the thought “my partner is imagining he's
with his fave porn star or another beautiful woman he recently
drooled over and not focused on me”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to desire my partner to focus only on me while we are
having sexual relations.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the desire for my partner to stay focused on me while we are
having sexual relations to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the thought “my partner is imagining
he's with his fave porn star or another women he recently drooled
over and not focused on me” to an emotional experience of
disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of
disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment
because I realize that I have no control over who my partner focuses
on when we are having sexual relations.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the thought “my partner must think I'm unattractive
because my skin is not taught/tight”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect my partner grabbing my waist with the
thought “my partner must think I'm unattractive because my skin is
not taught/tight”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing my partner grabbing my waist to exist as a trigger point
within me, which triggers the thought “my partner must think I'm
unattractive because my skin is not taught/tight”.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to desire my partner to think I have tight skin and
am attractive.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the desire to be attractive with tight skin to exist within
and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the thought “my partner must think I'm
unattractive because my skin is not taught/tight” to an emotional
experience of disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of
disappointment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment
because I realize that I have no control over my partner's attraction
of me but it is in his opinion in his head of who he is attracted to.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to be wooed by another man into desire for him
because I am convinced that my desire to be enough to satisfy him
would be fulfilled.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to measure my self worth by how attractive and
desirable I am to my partner or another man and how much I am able to
satisfy him, because I realize that only I can measure my self worth,
and that the opinion of another is only an opinion in their mind,
based on their comparisons and experiences and not reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to measure self worth based on beauty, a picture, and
on the needs/desires of another man because I realize that a picture
is an illusion and that although I may have some ability to cause
attraction to myself from another, I do not have complete control
over the desires of another.
When and as I see my partner's
attention focused on another woman - I stop, I breathe – I do not
accept or allow myself to compare the amount of attention that my
partner gives to this other woman with the amount of attention he
gives to me and I do not accept or allow myself to see myself through
my partner's eyes because I realize that how much attention I receive
from my partner does not and cannot ever determine 'how valuable' I
am. Instead – I embrace this other woman as myself and realize that
I and this other woman are equal and one, valuing myself as this
other woman as who we are as life as all as one as equal.
When and as my partner grabs my waist –
I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to judge myself
based on what I perceive my partner to think. Instead – I embrace
myself as life, not as a picture, and I realize that what I perceive
my partner to think is only in my head and is not real, and that life
is not just a pretty picture, for that is of the mind, and I am more
than the mind, I am life.
Satisfy
Allocation point: I have been believing
myself to not be enough to satisfy my partner, and I've been desiring
to be enough to satisfy him, therefore I have found my desire to be
enough to satisfy my partner capably satisfied in another man.
Dictionary.com definition of 'satisfy':
to fulfill the desires,
expectations, and needs or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.);
fulfill contentment to
to put an end to (a desire, want,
need, etc.) by sufficient or ample provision
to give assurance to, convince
to answer sufficiently as an
objection
to solve or dispel as a doubt
Sounding the word 'satisfy' :
sat – 'sat' (sit down in comfort, no
longer needing to stand, able to relax)
is- he/she 'is' sitting in comfort
fy – 'fine' ; he/she is fine, sitting
in comfort, 'fly'= freedom
I have felt like I am not enough to
satisfy my partner.
I have felt like I am enough to satisfy
another man.
I have interpreted the word 'satisfy'
with a positive value.
I have associated the word 'satisfy'
with sex.
I feel better when I am experiencing
this word.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to charge the word 'satisfy' with a positive value.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge the word 'satisfy' as good/positive/right
within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'satisfy' through
judging the word 'satisfy' as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word 'satisfy' to sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word 'satisfy' within sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'satisfy' and from
sex through defining the word 'satisfy' within sex in separation of
myself.
Satisfy-
to accept self as life
to comfortably accept self as life
with no expectations
to free self from expectations and
accept self as life
to free self from expectations
releasing ideals and comfortably accept self as life
