Fear of growing old and wrinkly

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear growing old and wrinkly. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to become dependent on looks. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my husband leaving me for a younger, less wrinkly woman. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my partner cheating on me. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I am not beautiful/sexy enough to fully satisfy my partner in bed. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be dependent on my husband for emotional security and as an indicator of self worth. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to judge my worth in my husband's eyes to beauty. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to measure worth to beauty. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that sexual attraction is only in young beautiful, wrinkle-free women. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I am past my time of sexual attraction. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that my husband is less attracted to me because of my wrinkles, sagging skin, and slight plumpness in certain areas that I don't think need to be plump. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be jealous of younger women or any woman with great, wrinkle-free skin. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to feel disgusted with my sagging belly when I don't suck in.

When and as I begin to judge myself based on my looks, or fear getting old and wrinkly, I stop, I breath, bring myself back out of my judgmental mind, and live here in the breath, as life, as equal to all life, pretty and ugly, for there is no pretty or ugly, only personal judgment, and comparison in the mind.

When and as I begin to think thoughts of my husband leaving me for a more attractive, less wrinkly woman, I stop, I breath, and remind myself that looks are not the only reason he is attracted to me, but for our lasting partnership, in helping each other in life. I remind myself that there are many single parents who survive and take care of there children, and I can do it too, if needed. I remind myself that I do not need a partnership to survive, even though it may make things easier, at times, it makes things more difficult too, so there are pro's and con's to both sides, of being single, and being with someone.

Beauty

definition from Dictionary.com – The quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

I have given the word “beauty” a positive polarity label. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word “beauty” as positive/good, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge by societies standards of what is beautiful. I realize that life in itself is beautiful because it is what gives us the ability to experience through senses and interact with each other in the physical.

When, as I begin to define “beauty” by societies standards, I stop, I breathe, and instead realize that life itself is beautiful in all it's uniqueness and all it's abilities.

(As a side note, I have improved greatly with how I see life since I have started the DIP. I am no longer fearful and/or disgusted by spiders and roaches, and other little creatures I was previously afraid of, but appreciate them as life, and will save them, instead of kill them.)

Beauty sounded out:

Be......you.....tea

Beauty redefining ideas:

Be you, as your own tea. ( I love tea!) To be like a tea out of being just yourself to savor as a healthful tonic of life : ) Self lived tonic of being. To just... be.... you! Life as is, without pretending or judgment.

Tonic of life being.

*Appreciation of the tonic of life being life, as is, in all varieties of color, shape, form, and uniqueness, without judgment, discrimination or comparison.

My Fear of Performing Instrument and Voice Together

I sang in a band before, years ago in front of people with no problem, because I had many experiences before then singing in choir, and a few singing solos. Kereoke has not been a problem for me either. I also played the keyboard in the band in front of a crowd with not problem. But recently I have taught myself how to play the keyboard, and sing at the same time. Same with the guitar. Now I am too afraid to perform in front to of people. I fear that I will be so afraid that I will forget my notes, or not be able to control my voice.

A few months ago, after much practice at playing the piano and singing, I decided to perform at open – mic night at a local bar. I wasn't sure I wanted to try until after I had a few drinks, which was a mistake! When I finally brought myself up on stage, I forgot which keys to put my fingers on the keyboard. I tried a few different positions, and eventually found the beginning sound I had been searching for. I started playing, while singing and the microphone began to slowly fall. I had to stop to re-position the mic and I was embarrassed that I had to stop in the middle of my performance. I started up again only to have the same thing happen! A friend of mine came up to tighten the mic and re-position it to a more comfortable spot. By this time I felt like a failure as the crowd stared at me.

I attempted yet a third time and was able to 'get my groove', certain parts of the song were more intense and I was into it, and the crowd cheered me on, but then as the song changed, I forgot again where to put my fingers. I decided as soon as I remembered where to put them, I wanted to finish the song quickly, so I cut it short. I just wanted to be done with it because to me, it was a horrible experience. I did laugh at myself, and apologize to the audience, yet I still wanted to hide.

Since that experience, at home I have been practicing daily to make sure that the songs are so well memorized that I won't be able to forget out of fear. I have gone to many open mic nights yet I haven't tried to perform again because I am too afraid that I will mess up again. I have engrained this experience within me as negative. I feel like I am more prepared now, and I want to perform, yet I have allowed fear to disable me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear singing and playing an instrument in public. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect singing and playing an instrument in public to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear negative judgment from others while playing and singing. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect judgment from others to fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect judgment from others to self judgment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on what others believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself at all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted myself to fear making mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold self in a position where I am not allowed to make mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on my mistakes. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself to others based on my mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth based on comparison of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that fear is just a pre-programmed reaction. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as all life, on and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through fear, by fearing myself as less than others when I perform poorly. I forgive myself that I've accepted myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear.

When and as I perform by singing and playing and instrument in front of a crowd, I breath deeply, and do not accept or allow myself to follow thoughts of what others may think or what may go wrong. I do not allow fear to grip me and control me. Instead, I focus on what I am playing, become the music as I am the music, and enjoy myself while performing as I enjoy myself at home when I play for myself. I realize that I am no different than the audience, or other musicians, and a mistake is not the end of my reputation or my career, but only a ripple among a smooth perfection that is only conjured up in the mind.

Performance- the accomplishment of a given task measured against preset known standards of accuracy, completeness, cost and speed.

I have interpreted this word as negative, out of fear of failure, of not meeting societies standards or expectations.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear performance. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect the word performance to fear, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear myself and my ability to perform. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge the word performance as negative/bad/scary.

Redefining the word Performance:

Per-cat's purr, soothing rythemic sound, perfection

form- shape, posture

mance- mens

Purring in good form for men. Expressing or delivering in erect or specific posture, a rythemic sound for men. Expressing rythemic, soothing sound in perfect form for others.

* Expressing self as soothing perfection as is, in ones own form, in secure, erect posture, without judgment but instead with acceptance and pleasure in sharing individual uniqueness.