Choosing what to write about- how decision is influenced

I am having a problem with choosing what to write about. I am lead by fear to not write about certain topics because I don't want to offend or scare-off anyone, especially my extended family. I assume they will still not understand as before when I presented this information to them, and they will only make defense for their personal beliefs and harsh judgment towards me, and ultimately, will not be interested or open-minded in listening to what I have to say.

So now I see that within this difficulty in choosing what to write about, I am not really able to choose freely, because I am lead by my memories, my fear, my mind consciousness system, instead of me living my word as who I am. I can clearly see how I do not really have a choice, because it is manipulated by my environment, by the people in my life, and by my own fears. My choice is controlled by my thoughts, feelings and emotions, by my desire to be accepted.

But what about me? Why can't I just say what I want? Not what I want by what I think will benefit me most, by manipulation of words, to make me seem intelligent and kind, but just the words as who I am, without worry of how my words will be taken? Worry manipulates choice, taking it from me. I don't need to write about something to make myself SEEM any kind of way, but write out me in all actuality. Therefore, choice does not exist in self-honesty. There is no choice except to write me, in reality in this moment, as I am living my word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that choice exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am in control and in power over my world, because 'I make my own choices'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that choice has never really existed, because all choices were pre-determined through what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, as a mind-consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up my 'free will' and 'free choice', because that means that I will have to be self-honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose everything I have and everything I have defined myself as- if I were to give up 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'free will' and 'free choice' to justify why I shouldn't stand up and speak up when I see dishonesty is being allowed because 'they can do as they want as they please', 'it is their right to do so'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the right to do anything I want to do, without consideration for anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that myself and my close family members are more important than anyone in this world.

When and as I have trouble choosing what to write about, I stop, I breathe, and do not allow myself to be lead by past experiences, future probabilities, thoughts, feelings, and emotions of my mind-consciousness system. Instead I realize that the only choice I have is to stand as the ultimate expression of myself and the realization of myself in every moment.

Trust as Self-Dishonesty - “Why didn't I just listen to myself?”

I made a bad mistake by not trusting myself. I had been quite content with staying home, reading, hanging with my children and husband, retiring to bed at 9:30pm and waking up at 5:30am to walk and ride my bike. My birthday was coming up and one of my friends wanted to “take me out” to celebrate. I initially had the feeling that I was not at all interested in going out to a bar, drinking, and staying up late, since after all I was in a great routine of taking care of myself the best way I could. I had no desire for anything else, but I chose to follow my thoughts and allowed fear to lead my decision. I didn't want to disappoint my friend, and have her believe that I am no fun anymore. I began to wonder if I really was no fun anymore, and told myself that I could have fun going out again, although I always had a nagging feeling that I shouldn't go, that I would be too tired, and that I would be abusing myself. I truly wanted to stay home, but I went out anyway.

Because my friend cannot drive, I had to drive us out. Before we even arrived my friend was trying to convince me into letting her buy me a “birthday shot”. I told her I do not do shots, because they are too strong, I don't want to “get wasted”, and I had to drive us home. I felt like I wouldn't enjoy myself unless I drank some alcohol so I chose to drink only ultra light beer, because it has the least amount of alcohol in it, and I thought that was the safest route for me. The problem here, is that after two beers, I was feeling a slight buzz, meaning my brain was already distorted, and I allowed my friend to talk me into taking a very weak “shot”. It was not straight up liquor, but a small amount of a mixed drink with a silly name to it. I had refused a few times but allowed myself to be persuaded because I didn't want to be considered “no fun”. I had allowed myself to succumb to peer pressure, to be like the rest of the group, and to fit in. I took the shot.

It was getting late, probably about 1:00am, four hours past my bed time, and I was ready to go home but my friend was not ready to leave. She told me she really wanted to stay out and that she would find a ride home, and I realized there was no convincing her to leave with me. I bought a sandwich before I left, and headed out. I was tired, and distracted by my sandwich spilling over when I first started the car. Seeing the headlights shine on the building in front of me, I had believed they were fully on, but they weren't. A feature on my car (which is new to me) automatically turns on the headlights partially, but not the tail lights, fooled me into thinking I had them both all the way on. Within five minutes of leaving, I was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and driving without taillights. I was speeding because I noticed the traffic light, which tends to be one that takes a very long time to change, far up ahead of me was still green and I didn't want to get stuck at it at this late time of night by myself.

When I was asked where I had come from and if I had anything to drink, I was honest. I didn't think I had too much to impair my driving. I felt very tired, but not drunk. My eyes were red and watery from being in a smokey bar, yet the state trooper used that as proof I was drunk. I refused to blow into an intoxilizer, because I don't trust my fate in a machine that is proven to be 15% inaccurate, especially for people who have elevated keytones due to exercising. Because of my refusal, I automatically had my drivers license suspended for a full year. I had no choice but to admit guilt for driving while intoxicated, because if I were to go to trial and lose, I would be placed in jail for six months and I cannot take that chance.

All of this is due to me not placing trust in myself. I wish I would have just told my friend I wasn't interested in going out for my birthday. I wish I would have trusted myself, my initial feeling that I should not go out. Instead, I allowed myself to follow my thoughts and fears. I placed my trust in my friend, who I allowed to convince me in what I should do to “celebrate my birthday and have fun”, instead of placing trust in myself, and because of this I am in a whole lot of trouble. I will be paying for this one decision 'to not place trust within myself ' for the next two years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself by defining my trust within another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other beings by placing my trust within them, instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in others because I am too afraid to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust outside of myself because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to get other people to trust me, because if they trust me I can manipulate and control them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust in another, that they will betray and deceive me- equal and one to my starting point of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that therefore betrayal doesn't actually exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of trusting them in the first place- and therefore I am responsible, and cannot blame them for feeling betrayed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do/who to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind to tell me what to do/who to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to my mind in trusting my mind rather than me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self trust through continuously choosing my mind over me- following what my mind tells me to do, suppressing myself- instead of doing and saying what requires to be done or spoken in a moment.

When and as I feel pressured to do something that someone else wants to do, I stop, I breath, I listen to myself, and I do not accept or allow myself to react to what the other person says. I do not allow myself to follow my thoughts, my memories and my fears. I ask myself why I feel it is important to please this other person, I do not accept or allow my self to manipulate the other by attempting to get the other to trust me and I do not accept or allow myself to be manipulated by the other. Instead- I place my trust within myself, and take responsibility for myself, living my words as who I am, embracing the other as equal and one to myself.

Anger with 'people'

 

 Okay, I tried to spread the word. I tried to give the message of life, of reality. I have uncovered the veil and burst many bubbles of delusion people want to hide in. In all the effort I have made to reveal this world and what we all have been accepting and allowing, so we can work together to stop allowing the abuse, I have only received harsh judgment, gossip, and threats in return. I have become angry with people because when I gave them reality, they didn't want to see it, but chose to blame me for being a “bad”/”negative” person. It came down to only two people who actually respond with agreement to some of the posts about our current reality.

 

  So I have allowed the previous reactions from people, and the current state of “being ignored” to ignite anger in me. At least that is how I have been allowing myself to see it. Now I realize that my anger is with myself. I tried to change people, instead of only focusing on myself, because I can only change myself. I longed to be accepted by others, when I only need to accept myself, and not judge myself based  on another person's judgment of me. I had allowed myself to feel like a failure only because I could not change others, and because I was only cast out and labeled as abnormal.

 

  I had allowed myself to fear for my survival by fearing what others had threatened to do to me and my children. I had almost given up, because in some ways, in the immediate, it is easier/safer to just blend in with the crowd, have people accept you as “normal”. It is easier to play the pretty picture, to live in vanity like others, because that is what people can “connect with” as people like to play that game. It is easier to speak of the positive, because that it what people want to hear as they try to ignore what we all have been accepting and allowing ourselves to abuse and destruct.

 

  Even as the thought of giving up came across many occasions, I could not because I cannot live a lie. I had a lot of trouble facing myself, my anger, and I didn't want to write. My dog had cancer and I was angry that I could not save him, after I did everything I could to bring him back to good health, because I felt he was too innocent to suffer and to young to die. So instead of writing and facing myself, I kept busy with the house work, the children, yard work, and of course mopping the floors every few hours and cleaning my dog from blood, diarrhea , urine and vomit.

 

  I was angry at my friend who I had allowed to influence me into going out and drink alcohol to celebrate my birthday, which lead me into getting arrested, when I have been practicing such a healthy lifestyle at the time only to be convinced to “have fun”. It was myself I was angry with. It was ultimately my choice to go out and drink. I just wanted to blame her so I couldn't see that it was I who messed up. It was easy to blame her because she has a way with pressuring me with words, yet it seems that being with her has cost me more trouble than peace on many occasions.

 

  Anger at the police who wrote lies about me in order to convict me really overwhelmed me, as I felt it was so unjust. They call it the justice system, yet they can say whatever they want and of course the judge will believe the police before they will believe the defendant. I was angry with the way they made fun of me when they arrested me, because they were laughing and happy to arrest me, when it was the start of a hard life for me and a lot of fines that I cannot afford. So I was angry with myself for even putting myself in the situation where a cop could do that.

 

  All this anger, and blame I placed in people, yet I didn't want to realize it has always been myself I have been angry with. I had allowed myself to be consumed in anger to a degree of almost quitting everything I have been standing up for. Yet I can not quit. I know reality for what it is, and I cannot pretend. I know the Desteni is the only way because it is facing self, facing reality for exactly what it is, and putting and end to the cycle of allowing the mind, the ego, and fear to control, and to stop accepting and allowing the abuse and destruction of our home Earth and all life in the name of selfishness.

 

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that anger exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define myself according to anger as what I am.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate with anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to react with anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to react in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert anger to another instead of realizing that this anger within me- has been manifested by myself through my participation of thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to react with anger and in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger with another and thus validated the existence of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with people/humanity.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards people/humanity.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within myself towards myself instead of standing up and saying: 'To hear no further' and stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with the police men who lied about me and made fun of me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards the police.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with the 'justice system'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards the 'justice system'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with my friend.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards my friend.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with cancer.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards cancer.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with my friends/family.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards my friends/family.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that exerting anger to someone or something separate from me is a statement of blame- instead of me taking self-responsibility for me in applying self-forgiveness for allowing and accepting anger within me through the participation of thoughts and thus me standing up as me for me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that anger exists within me because I am not allowing myself to take self-responsibility for me in living self-honesty.

 

When and as I feel anger within me, I stop, I breathe, I stand up and say 'to hear no further' and I do not  allow myself to follow my thoughts or participate in the emotion of anger. I no longer place blame, instead I accept responsibility, look to where I have been living in dishonesty and discipline myself to live once again in honesty.

 

Desire for clothes

 

I have a ton of clothes in my closet and in my attic that I haven't worn in a long time, some that I have never worn. The accumulation is due to a constant search for the perfect fit. Being a petite person, I have always had trouble finding clothes that fit me and had to resort to either young children clothes or more age appropriate, yet way too big teen clothes when I was in high school. I was constantly being called names, “short stuff”, shrimp”, “little bit”, “little girl”, “baby”, to name a few, and was treated as such, as a baby.

 

 So I grew up being treated and viewed as someone who couldn't understand at the level I was at. It was so very frustrating to not be taken seriously, and yet to be made fun of as if I were not even a human being. My wardrobe of ill fitting, super baggy “grown up clothes” or well fitting young child's clothes only exasperated the situation. I had a choice to either look like I was being swallowed up in material, or to look like I was a very young child, either way, I still looked like a very young child.

 

There are finally stores that make clothes to fit all sizes of people. Just recently I found a pair of jeans that actually fit perfectly, well they are still a little bit long, even the short kind, but everywhere else fits me perfectly! They are so comfortable, they cover my whole butt, are not too loose in the waist, they don't sag in the crotch or under the but, and they don't stick out in the hip area. And they are very soft and comfortable. They actually fit me and I am so happy I found them that I want to buy more, more, more! So I have this desire to buy another pair, and then another, and I also want to buy a pair that have the same fit but a different style at the bottom, so I can achieve another look.

 

 I don't have the money to buy more, yet this desire for more is consuming me. I have a coupon for this particular store where my mom bought me the jeans that expires today and I am so tempted to use it. I want another pair of these perfect jeans because I feel like it will complete me. I will not have to search  any longer for something that fits. I went through my jean collection last night and pulled out 15 pairs of jeans that almost fit, but all had something either unflattering or uncomfortable about them. I know desiring clothes that are comfortable is not a problem, but the desire to look good, to the point of spending more money than I have is a problem. I have finally found jeans that look great on me and they are super comfortable, and I cannot seem to let this desire for more go!

 

It all “boils down” to wanting to be accepted by others, and in that, it is only because I am not currently accepting myself, otherwise I would not be in this need for acceptance from others. I know this from personal experience.

 

Over a year ago, I grew tired of this need to be beautiful and accepted, as I learned to accept myself as I am. I no longer wanted to wear jewelry or make-up, and it extended to my hair. I was sick of having to style it whenever I went out in public, sick of the vanity, when I looked around me to find this messed up world filled with young girls and women torturing themselves through anorexia, or plastic surgery just so they could feel accepted and beautiful, and the people who lost their hair due to cancer or alopecia. I was tired of  the dependence of feeling pretty to be happy. I had this vanity in me that caused me to be frustrated when I had a “bad hair day”, or when I couldn't find something to wear in my closet full of clothes. So I was done with it, because I understood it, finally, and I learned to fully accept me as me.

 

I stopped wearing jewelry and uncomfortable clothes, shaved my hair, and completely liberated myself from any dependency on appearance. I felt a connection with the people who don't have a choice about their hair or clothes and basically a connection with all of humanity as equals, as I was no longer trying to impress with how I look, or compete with beauty and style, and I felt amazing, like a whole person, without any search anymore for acceptance. I felt love for myself, with my bald head and all the bumps and imperfections. I felt love for myself and others, putting and end to the “competition” and desire to be liked in this world of outer beauty.

 

So what happened? Why am I in this place I am at today? I had allowed my family and “friends” to “break” me, out of fear of survival. I was threatened to have my children taken away by one of my family members. My long time best friend became friends on Facebook with a family member of mine just so they could “worry” and gossip about me. Shoot, I had most of my family doing that, and eventually my parents blamed their stress and high blood pressure on me! My mom actually begged me to be “normal”.

 

It seemed as though, as soon as I found myself and fully accepted and loved myself even in “abnormalness”, even without hair, without society's definition of being a beautiful woman, I felt more beautiful than I ever had before, yet my security in survival in this world was threatened. My security, my family, and “friends”, were not able to understand, but only gossiped about me, and made judgment about me as if there was something wrong with me. They were casting me out as defective. I could not have that. I was in fear of losing everything, my children, my “freedom”, because all it takes is for your family to say you are sick, put you away, and take your children.

 

There I had been completely honest, and virtually no one (except Destonians) and one or two other  friends of mine could handle it or understand it. No one wanted to see it. They only made excuses for their continued participation in this dishonest and competitive way of being.

 

I grew my hair back, and began to act like others in society, basically because I felt like it was the safest route to my survival. I have even found myself fibbing about covering my gray hair when I don't have gray hair just to have a connection with others, so I could be like they are, in vanity and help them feel more comfortable around me. Because after all, it is not human to not be in vain! At least that is the “normal” way of thinking. I  have allowed myself to fall back into vanity, yet I still have an understanding of what I am doing. I am back in the game again, and though it seems fun on the surface, I realize how consuming it can be, and damaging to the love and acceptance of self, not to mention damaging to the wallet as well!

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance self love, and beauty by accepting and allowing myself to define my self acceptance and beauty within having the perfect fitting, flattering and stylish clothes, and ultimately acceptance from others, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that these desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to now act on my desires -  when actually desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred into my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everyone and everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire something that it because I believe that that which I desire can give me something as though that something is not already who I am.

 I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings of 'something's wrong', 'I am not satisfied', 'I am not complete', 'I am not fulfilled', - and to believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to look nice and ultimately find acceptance from others to be complete, fulfilled and satisfied with myself and to find acceptance in myself.

 

When and as I begin to desire something outside of myself to feel complete, like clothes, I stop, I breathe, and do not accept or allow myself the need to be dependent on or to search for something outside of me to define me. Instead, I realize that I am here, whole, and complete as I am. I realize that self worth is not to be found from acceptance from others, for that is only in an individual's opinion, and that self acceptance is found within self, already here, not by what I put on my body, or what others think of me. I realize that in desire to dress nice, I am only placing myself in separation from everyone and everything that is here, equal and one, so I breathe through this and remember that I am equal and one with all life.

 

Fear of losing my children

http://amanda-richert.blogspot.com/2012/11/fear-of-losing-my-children-i-watched.html

I watched a movie a few weeks ago that had a parent losing a child. My eyes teared up as I imagined myself in the same position. I did not want to write about this at first because I didn't think this was a fear that really has any control over me, well, to be more precise, a fear that I had allowed myself to be controlled by, but I realize that I do have this fear, otherwise I wouldn't have cried when watching the movie. So I will write about my fear of losing my children and apply self forgiveness accordingly, and get this shit out of my system!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the thought “I could lose my children and I wouldn't be able to bear it.” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – through participation within the thought “ I could lose my children and I wouldn't be able to bear it.” - become fearful and sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “ I could lose my children and I wouldn't be able to bear it.” to an emotional experience of fear and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear and sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear and sadness because I realize that even though I am doing and always will do everything in my ability to protect them, I am not able to fully control what happens to my children or when they die.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect “losing my children” to fear and thus - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect “losing my creation” to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing “fear of loss” to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of “fear of loss”, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation because my creation is me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question my fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear is self created.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I experience fear that I am actually only fearing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear is only a pre-programmed reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as all life, one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for allowing myself to experience fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become mentally attached to my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a dependency to this mental attachment to my children that I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by this mental attachment I have created with my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am separate from my children by creating this dependency on being with them, when I already am with them as life as one as equal as life's entity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself through fearing this loss of my definition of myself with my children instead of realizing that I am as they are equal and one as life.

When and as I begin to fear losing my children, I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow fear to consume me. Instead I realize and understand that fear is not real, but only an emotion I am conjuring up and allowing, and that it is only myself that I am “fearing”. I realize that fear is only a distraction from what is here, as myself as life, and I no longer allow this emotion to exist within me to distract me or to separate me from who I am and who we are as one life as equal.

Fear of the Future, My Punishment

http://amanda-richert.blogspot.com/2012/11/fear-of-future-mypunishment-although-i.html

Although I had not been going out at night, instead I had been going to bed at an early bed time, and waking up early to exercise each morning, I had allowed one of my friends to convince me to go out with her to celebrate my birthday. She told me she was going to buy me a shot but I refused, telling her I don't do shots, especially when I am driving. I know now I shouldn't have, but I did drink alcohol, even though it was only a few ultra light beers, I guess I felt like I needed it to enjoy myself. After having a few beers I had a little buzz, and that was the end of thinking clearly. I had allowed her to convince me into drinking a very mild “shot”, it was actually just a small amount of mixed drink in a shot glass, not enough to make me drunk. I soon tired and wanted to get something to eat and leave, it was after all about 1am and I was used to going to bed at 9:30. My friend was not ready to end the “party” and refused to leave with me, so I bought a sandwich and headed out.

When I started my car, which I had recently been gifted from my father, the headlights automatically turned on. This is a feature I am not used to, since I am used to driving much older vehicles. I was trying to put my sandwich down on the seat in a way it wouldn't spill over, and noticed my headlights shining against the building in front of me, so I assumed all my lights were in fact on, yet this feature doesn't include taillights.

I had my favorite music on, while munching on my sandwich and I was happy to be going home. The 6-lane highway was completely empty, and as I saw the traffic light up ahead still green where I needed to turn, I sped up so I could avoid catching it red and having to wait, since this light in particular is a very long one. As I neared the intersection, I noticed lights behind me flashing and the siren of a police car. After making the turn I pulled into a parking lot, and parked my car.

The state trooper told me I had no taillights on, and that I had been speeding. He then asked me where I had been and I was honest with him. (Now I wish I hadn't been). He asked me if I had anything to drink and I told him I had a couple of light beers. Then I was told to balance on a line, with my arms out, and lift one leg up in front of me at a time, as high as possible, alternating legs and then turn around and come back doing the same. I, being well trained and balanced at ballet, (and NOT being drunk), handled this “test” with no problem, even though it was dark, and windy. When I completed the test, lowered my arms gracefully, and the cop said I was dancing. I think he was angry, and he was trying to prove that I was drunk. He noticed that my car was not parked straight in between the lines and said I must be drunk because I didn't park straight. I didn't think parking straight mattered when the parking lot was completely empty and I was being pulled over by a cop. He arrested me, put me in a cage, and told me to call my friends to pick me up.

I tried calling my husband, yet he didn't answer the phone. My friend texted me, asking me to not tell her husband she wasn't with me, I texted her back that I had been arrested. Her husband called me, yelling at me, asking where his wife was, I told him I didn't know, and that I had been arrested. I repeatedly tried to reach my husband on his phone with no response. While I was on the phone, the trooper was reading Miranda rights, about what happens if I refuse to blow in the breath-a-lizer machine. I didn't hear him. He stuck this little round plastic thing through the cage and told me to blow hard into it. I didn't trust that machine, or the trooper and I refused to blow into it, telling him I have small children to take care of. He then laughed at me, saying that I was to be booked in jail since I refused, and happily said he had read the Miranda rights. I know those machines are inaccurate, up to 15%, especially if you have elevated ketones in your blood, (which I do) or if the person handling the machine doesn't do it precisely. If I would have blown into it, it there is a good chance it would have shown an inaccurate reading, landing me in more trouble.

So I was placed in jail, and now am faced with criminal charges. I have a phone hearing with the drivers license bureau on Oct.28, and a criminal hearing with the court on November 2. I will most likely have my drivers license taken away from me for a year, since I refused to blow into the machine, will have to pay fines of more than two thousand dollars, have to complete 40 hours of community service, picking up trash from the side of the road, and will be watched on probation.

I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of loosing my drivers license, and afraid of community service and hurting my already messed up back. I am afraid of feeling stuck, and getting depressed. I am afraid of the judgments I will receive from people. I am afraid of being labeled a criminal. I am afraid of getting into more trouble some how. I am afraid of not being able to spend time with my family on weekends because I will be doing community service. I am afraid of being dependent on others to go places. I am afraid of not being able to pay the fines, and of being broke and poor. I am afraid of being treated terribly again by the police. I am afraid of loosing the freedom to drive when and where I want.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear the future when the future is only a mind projected idea that disables me from living here in this moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the future to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my drivers license and the freedom to go where I want to go when I want to go there by myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect loosing my drivers license and perceived lack of freedom with fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear being dependent on others to bring me places. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear with dependency, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a nuisance to others whom I will be dependent on. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being a perceived nuisance to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear trusting others to safely drive me places. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear for my life when riding as a passenger. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a lack of trust in the way others drive to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with how others drive because they do not follow safety rules the same way that I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hurting my back with having to pick up trash hours on end. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect hurting my back with fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear being sad and depressed from having to pick up trash all day long for weeks. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will be depressed from the feeling of being stuck in the house without the freedom to drive anywhere. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear to sadness and depression and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear being labeled as a criminal, and judged by others in a bad manner without people knowing who I really am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being labeled/judged to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear getting into more trouble. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting into more trouble to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear punishments unknown, when that is only a story in my mind, and not the reality of the moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect punishments unknown to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear not having enough money to pay the fines I will owe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not having enough money to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear having to eat beans and rice on a daily basis, because that is all I will be able to pay for. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my immediate family and children especially, getting sick from not being able to eat healthy fruits and vegetables because I may not be able to afford them. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting my family and I getting sick to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being treated poorly by the authorities, because that is what has already happened, when this fear is based on a past memory, in my head which does not tell the future. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being treated poorly by the authorities to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own reaction when being treated poorly, when it is my choice to accept and allow if I will react to someone and if I will allow that person to bother me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my reaction to being treated poorly to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by my friend, when it was ultimately my decision to go out with her when I was concerned I wouldn't enjoy it because I was used to going to sleep so early and would be too tired to have fun.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I had to drink alcohol to enjoy myself, and to connect that thought with the emotion of boredom and disappointment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of boredom and disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the mistake of assuming my taillights were on when I saw my headlights shining on the building I was parked in front of. I forgive myself for

accepting and allowing myself to be distracted from checking my light situation because I was too busy trying to prop up my sandwich so it wouldn't spill.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speed up when I noticed the traffic light was still green, just so I wouldn't have to wait. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being impatient for having to wait at a traffic light. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear sitting alone at night on an empty road at an intersection. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sitting alone at night at an empty intersection to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so naïve, not thinking that there were police hiding out, waiting to catch someone (me).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought “ this cop is an asshole” and connecting that thought with the emotion of anger. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotion of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the man who was so rude with me, for he was trying to prove that I was drunk, and for his lies on the police report about me dancing during the field sobriety test just because I was graceful when lowering my arms.

I forgive myself for feeling bad about myself for being graceful during a test, when it is a daily habit for me to practice the same movements as they had me do during the test, yet when I practice it is always in a graceful manner that which has become engrained within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word freedom with a positive value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word freedom as 'good'/'positive'/'right' within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom' through judging the word 'freedom' as 'good'/'positive'/'right'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'freedom' with the ability to drive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'freedom' within being able to drive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom' and from being able to drive through defining the word 'freedom' within driving in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'freedom' with not having to do community service. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'freedom' within not having to do community service. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom' from having to do community service through defining the word 'freedom' within not having to do community service in separation of myself.

When and as I begin to fear the future, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to get caught up in my mind-projected thoughts of what could happen. Instead I bring myself back here in the moment as life, out of my thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I begin to feel afraid about loosing my drivers license and my mind-projected freedom, I stop, I breath, I do not accept or allow myself to define freedom within having a drivers license, I do

not allow myself to fear life without being able to drive when and where I want, for I remind myself that it is only a thought about what may happen, and to follow the thought is to not live, but to be in an imaginary state. Instead I embrace life as it is, with what I have, and what I am still able to do, like raise my children, house and yard work, and writing, and music. I remind myself that driving is not freedom, but a privilege, that I do not have to allow myself to feel dependent on. I can and will adjust to what my life will become.

When and as I begin to fear community service, and my back being under too much pressure from repeatedly picking up trash for hours on end, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate in the thoughts feelings and emotions associated with thoughts of the future, with thoughts of what community service will be like. That is something I will just have to see for myself , something for me to experience. I do not know for sure if it will hurt my back, and worry about it now certainly will not make a difference, but only stop me from living.

When and as I feel pressured to participate in something I am not entirely willing to do, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to succumb to peer pressure, but instead listen to my self, what I feel is best for me. I do not allow myself to be afraid of what my “friend” may think of me when I refuse, for her to not accept me would make her not a friend at all, and I don't want to be around people like that. I will put trust in myself, and value my own opinion, I will not try to make sense out of abusive behavior such as going out past my bed time and drinking.

When and as I feel anger with the state troopers who lied about me, and treated me poorly, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to participate in the memories of those difficult times, I do not allow myself to participate in the emotional response of anger. Instead I forgive the state troopers, and embrace them as myself and realize that I and the state troopers are equal and one, valuing myself as the state troopers as who we are as life as all as one as equal.

When and as I become impatient when driving, I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to participate in impatience, but I make the wise decision to follow the law, and not speed.

When and as I feel fear for sitting in the car alone at an intersection on an empty street, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to follow thoughts of what could happen to me, or the emotion of fear that is connected to the thought, for that is only my mind making up a story, something that is to keep me from living, a possibility that is not real. Instead I bring myself back into the present and deal with what I have to deal with in the moment.

When and as I feel bad about myself for gracefully lowering my arms during my field sobriety test, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to make judgment of myself, but instead I realize that it is engrained in me to be graceful, since it is what I have been practicing on a daily basis for more than eight years straight, and even in my childhood for many years. I do not allow myself to judge myself because of the way the state trooper judged me, because he doesn't know me, or what I do on a regular basis.

When and as I feel mad at myself for being naïve, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to continue on in the thought of what I should have done, instead I will be much more careful in the future, because I realize that even I can get into trouble even if I feel like I am doing nothing “wrong”. Right and wrong is only a judgment in my mind, it is not real, it is an opinion, and it doesn't make a difference when it comes to someone else's idea of right and wrong, especially when it comes to law enforcement.

When and as I fear being labeled a criminal, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to care about what others think about me, instead I put my trust in self, for I know me better than anyone, and it doesn't matter what others think, especially people who don't know me at all. Instead, I think of my self as a “bad-ass criminal ya don't wanna mess with!” lol -just kidding! ; )

Fear of growing old and wrinkly

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear growing old and wrinkly. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to become dependent on looks. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my husband leaving me for a younger, less wrinkly woman. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my partner cheating on me. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I am not beautiful/sexy enough to fully satisfy my partner in bed. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be dependent on my husband for emotional security and as an indicator of self worth. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to judge my worth in my husband's eyes to beauty. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to measure worth to beauty. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that sexual attraction is only in young beautiful, wrinkle-free women. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I am past my time of sexual attraction. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that my husband is less attracted to me because of my wrinkles, sagging skin, and slight plumpness in certain areas that I don't think need to be plump. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be jealous of younger women or any woman with great, wrinkle-free skin. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to feel disgusted with my sagging belly when I don't suck in.

When and as I begin to judge myself based on my looks, or fear getting old and wrinkly, I stop, I breath, bring myself back out of my judgmental mind, and live here in the breath, as life, as equal to all life, pretty and ugly, for there is no pretty or ugly, only personal judgment, and comparison in the mind.

When and as I begin to think thoughts of my husband leaving me for a more attractive, less wrinkly woman, I stop, I breath, and remind myself that looks are not the only reason he is attracted to me, but for our lasting partnership, in helping each other in life. I remind myself that there are many single parents who survive and take care of there children, and I can do it too, if needed. I remind myself that I do not need a partnership to survive, even though it may make things easier, at times, it makes things more difficult too, so there are pro's and con's to both sides, of being single, and being with someone.

Beauty

definition from Dictionary.com – The quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

I have given the word “beauty” a positive polarity label. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word “beauty” as positive/good, and within that I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge by societies standards of what is beautiful. I realize that life in itself is beautiful because it is what gives us the ability to experience through senses and interact with each other in the physical.

When, as I begin to define “beauty” by societies standards, I stop, I breathe, and instead realize that life itself is beautiful in all it's uniqueness and all it's abilities.

(As a side note, I have improved greatly with how I see life since I have started the DIP. I am no longer fearful and/or disgusted by spiders and roaches, and other little creatures I was previously afraid of, but appreciate them as life, and will save them, instead of kill them.)

Beauty sounded out:

Be......you.....tea

Beauty redefining ideas:

Be you, as your own tea. ( I love tea!) To be like a tea out of being just yourself to savor as a healthful tonic of life : ) Self lived tonic of being. To just... be.... you! Life as is, without pretending or judgment.

Tonic of life being.

*Appreciation of the tonic of life being life, as is, in all varieties of color, shape, form, and uniqueness, without judgment, discrimination or comparison.

My Fear of Performing Instrument and Voice Together

I sang in a band before, years ago in front of people with no problem, because I had many experiences before then singing in choir, and a few singing solos. Kereoke has not been a problem for me either. I also played the keyboard in the band in front of a crowd with not problem. But recently I have taught myself how to play the keyboard, and sing at the same time. Same with the guitar. Now I am too afraid to perform in front to of people. I fear that I will be so afraid that I will forget my notes, or not be able to control my voice.

A few months ago, after much practice at playing the piano and singing, I decided to perform at open – mic night at a local bar. I wasn't sure I wanted to try until after I had a few drinks, which was a mistake! When I finally brought myself up on stage, I forgot which keys to put my fingers on the keyboard. I tried a few different positions, and eventually found the beginning sound I had been searching for. I started playing, while singing and the microphone began to slowly fall. I had to stop to re-position the mic and I was embarrassed that I had to stop in the middle of my performance. I started up again only to have the same thing happen! A friend of mine came up to tighten the mic and re-position it to a more comfortable spot. By this time I felt like a failure as the crowd stared at me.

I attempted yet a third time and was able to 'get my groove', certain parts of the song were more intense and I was into it, and the crowd cheered me on, but then as the song changed, I forgot again where to put my fingers. I decided as soon as I remembered where to put them, I wanted to finish the song quickly, so I cut it short. I just wanted to be done with it because to me, it was a horrible experience. I did laugh at myself, and apologize to the audience, yet I still wanted to hide.

Since that experience, at home I have been practicing daily to make sure that the songs are so well memorized that I won't be able to forget out of fear. I have gone to many open mic nights yet I haven't tried to perform again because I am too afraid that I will mess up again. I have engrained this experience within me as negative. I feel like I am more prepared now, and I want to perform, yet I have allowed fear to disable me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear singing and playing an instrument in public. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect singing and playing an instrument in public to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear negative judgment from others while playing and singing. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect judgment from others to fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect judgment from others to self judgment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on what others believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself at all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted myself to fear making mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold self in a position where I am not allowed to make mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on my mistakes. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself to others based on my mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth based on comparison of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that fear is just a pre-programmed reaction. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as all life, on and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through fear, by fearing myself as less than others when I perform poorly. I forgive myself that I've accepted myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear.

When and as I perform by singing and playing and instrument in front of a crowd, I breath deeply, and do not accept or allow myself to follow thoughts of what others may think or what may go wrong. I do not allow fear to grip me and control me. Instead, I focus on what I am playing, become the music as I am the music, and enjoy myself while performing as I enjoy myself at home when I play for myself. I realize that I am no different than the audience, or other musicians, and a mistake is not the end of my reputation or my career, but only a ripple among a smooth perfection that is only conjured up in the mind.

Performance- the accomplishment of a given task measured against preset known standards of accuracy, completeness, cost and speed.

I have interpreted this word as negative, out of fear of failure, of not meeting societies standards or expectations.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear performance. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect the word performance to fear, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear myself and my ability to perform. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge the word performance as negative/bad/scary.

Redefining the word Performance:

Per-cat's purr, soothing rythemic sound, perfection

form- shape, posture

mance- mens

Purring in good form for men. Expressing or delivering in erect or specific posture, a rythemic sound for men. Expressing rythemic, soothing sound in perfect form for others.

* Expressing self as soothing perfection as is, in ones own form, in secure, erect posture, without judgment but instead with acceptance and pleasure in sharing individual uniqueness.

Day 8 Journey to Life - "Left Behind"

So I am thinking that this writing every day is difficult to find ample time for, and I want to do it in all self honesty, clarifying my thoughts feelings and emotions and then applying self forgiveness, and writing out the plan for practical self application to follow through with. It took me three days to work on one day's self forgiveness because I had so many points involved that I need to “get to the bottom of”. I see others are “ahead of me” on their 7 year journey to life and I feel left behind, and all I can do is try to keep up. I see other people posting their stuff with nice pictures to make their blogs inviting, yet I don't know how to do that. And now there is this EQUAFE, which is a great idea, but it is going to take me even more time to learn the “ins and outs” of how to purchase, and advertise it. Then there is the leadership chats that I sometimes forget about, and the extra blog assignments that aren't personal but follow a cause or the EQUAFE .

So I have been putting all this together and have allowed myself to feel quite overwhelmed. I occasionally get to the point where I am thinking “I cannot keep up with this”. “But then I think, what is the alternative?”Because I know the alternative of giving up does absolutely no good whatsoever. And I would eventually be right back here, but with even more of a “time loop”, even more of feeling left behind. So here I am, writing about my struggles with writing! All the while my four year old is around attempting to get my attention. I sometimes feel bad for him, because I am absorbed in my work. But at least my older son only has three weeks of school left then they can keep each other company while I stay busy with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I'm left behind”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing others' work with pictures and days ahead to the thought “I'm left behind”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seeing others' work with pictures and days ahead to exist as a trigger point within me which triggers the thought “I'm left behind”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be on the same day in my journey as others who are ahead of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to be on the same day in my journey as others who are ahead of me to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “I'm left behind” to an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment because I realize how much determination, consistency, and time it takes to keep up with the seven year journey.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed because there is no quick way to go about this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed because I don't feel like having to work so much.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a quick easy way of going through this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others by how far along in process they are and with the extra knowledge they have with pictures and advertising EQUAFE.

When and as I see others' writings who are days ahead of me or with pictures and advertisements – I stop - I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to compare my progress with theirs and make judgment of myself as feeling left behind. Instead – I embrace my place in process as where I need to be in the moment, and place myself here, focusing on what I need to do in my process, and realize that everyone is working at their own pace as every one's process is tailored to themselves. I embrace others as myself as we are all in this together, equal and one.

Day 7 : Desire to satisfy - redefining the word 'satisfy' to a word I can live eternally by

I have been married to my partner for over nine years, and been together with him for ten and a half years. It has been a bumpy ride to say the least. In the beginning, we were so in love, and infatuated with each other that we tended to live in a fantasy when we were together. This fantasy was like a drug, the “love drug”. We couldn't find too much fault in each other, and any fault we did find was easily forgivable, because all the rest over-powered it. I had found my match, my guy to start a family with, my partner to live life with, my best friend who I could talk for hours to.

Then something happened that I allowed to make me believe that I am not enough to satisfy my partner. We were engaged to be married at the time when I was modeling langere at a grand opening party. We the models were to mingle with the crowd while wearing the attire as a showcase. My fiance was there and we were talking with a group of people, some of whom I worked with at the athletic club, when another model came up to us wearing a demi- cup bra that pushed her breasts up like baked muffins rising in the oven. My partner, with eyes glued to her muffins couldn't help but let out a moan of excitement that no one in the group could miss. I was so embarrassed, because I was standing right next to my fiance, dressed up in a cute little nighty, yet he did not react to me in the slightest as he had reacted to this girl. He was to marry me, not her! This is the time I began to think that I would not be enough for him.

As time went by we came across other incidences that I allowed to make me feel as if I wouldn't be enough for him. We used to watch porn together and get busy, but when I noticed he couldn't focus on me at all, even when I was giving him good treatment, yet he stayed focused on a particular porn star with whom he lusted over, I would feel like he was using me as the body of this other women. I would just feel....used, like a piece of meat. He wouldn't even look at me for the entire act! I got pissed off and asked him to pay attention to me when we were intimate and he decided we should quit watching porn all-together. So “we” quit, or at least that is what I thought, until I would come home from work and catch him with the porn collection out of the attic and him in front of the TV with his “other” woman, the woman he preferred to “get off” to. This happened a couple of times over the next few months even after he promised to quit, then I threw the box of porn in the trash.

So I thought this “affair” my husband had with his favorite porn star was finally over. We ended up having a baby that I nursed at all hours of the night. Our baby and I slept in another room so my husband could get sleep since he couldn't breastfeed and he had to wake up for work every morning. I guess I didn't realize at the time that I was exhausted from not getting enough sleep myself and would have loved help. I should have bought a good pump (instead of the manual one I had that did barely anything but squeeze out a few drops) so my husband could help with the late night feedings. Anyway, this left my partner ample time to re-ignite his old flame. I had no idea for a few years it was going on. I did have suspicions but when I asked him about it he completely denied it and talked angrily to me like it was all in my head and I had trust problems.

When I did catch him, I wanted to leave him. I felt like he would always be thinking of this other woman every time we had sex, and I would never be good enough for him. And where would this stop, would he allow himself to eventually extend his desire to having sex with someone else? I told him I wanted a divorce. I just couldn't stay with a man who constantly lied to me and lusted over other women. I just couldn't sleep with a man who always had another woman in his mind, using me for my body. I also had no idea if this was as far as he would or did go with it. How was I to know that he didn't actually go out and sleep with other women? He did have a relationship with another woman when we were engaged, with whom he would spend time at her her house drinking wine. I was infuriated with him for spending so much time with her and for talking about me. So maybe I did have a problem trusting him, but I wanted to trust him. I didn't want to give up on him.

And now with a baby in tow, I felt like it would be extremely difficult to leave him. I felt horrible for our son who wouldn't be with his father. So I gave my husband another chance. He knew I wasn't going to put up with much more of the lies and the lust for others, so I thought it may be enough for him to pull himself together and seriously think about what he would lose if he kept up his lustfully selfish and deceitful ways.

So the years went by and we tried religion to strengthen our relationship. It helped in the way that it was something we did together, but it didn't solve any core problems. I had this lack of trust, and by this time I wasn't enjoying sex with him anymore. Something I used to love to do I now detested and tried to avoid like the plague.

We ended up having another baby, with this being the only reason to have sex, (which only took one time). A few years later we bought our first house. These were big events that helped me to “forget” about our sex issues. I still avoided him as much as possible, and focused on our children. I was surviving day by day, raising our children, waiting out our marriage until the children were old enough to not be so torn by divorce. I had been in a small church group at the time and was happy to have support from these other women and happy to have focus on helping others in our community. Then I caught my husband yet again sneaking porn on the internet.

I was so upset and thought “well he is obviously not going to change his behavior, and I can either keep on with the way things are, with him always deceiving me and lusting over other women, and our sex life in the rut, or I can just end this once and for all”. I decided to end it. I figured that the children might actually end up happier in the long run because their mom would finally be happy. I still had trouble thinking about splitting the family up, and had an inkling of wishing to keep pretending things were fine for the children. I was willing to give up my happiness for my kids, but how would that work? They would most likely sense my misery.

Then my husband convinced me to give him yet another chance, saying he would write about his problem on Desteni, and I would be able to follow his process by reading his words that are written in all honesty. By this time I had given Desteni a try and could see the possibility of my partner ending his habit and deceitful ways. In this slightest possibility that he may once and for all give up his obsession with other women and consider me, his wife, enough for him, I gave him another opportunity at marriage. After all, it would be best for the children if we could work this out. And I want more than anything for the children to be happy and have a healthy attitude towards life.

So here I am, trying not to give up. I have been pushing myself to have sexual relations with my husband, although it is difficult to get past the mind bullshit, thinking he is still imagining he's with another woman, and trying to not notice my flaws compared to what a porn star looks like, especially his favorite porn star with the toned body, voluptuous breasts and long blond hair. I am trying not to compare myself to her, and it is difficult, because I do have all these flaws, I am getting older and my skin is not so taught, my stomach not flat, and I have a boy's hair cut. My breasts are not voluptuous and my butt could use a lift. When we are in bed I can't help but to think about what he may be thinking as my skin folds under his hands. I can't help but to think he must want to escape to his mind, to his fantasy woman who looks perfect to him. And the times that he doesn't orgasm, I am most concerned that it is because I do not match up to his standard of what he has habitually created as a necessity to turn him on and “get him off”.

Through all of this mind stuff that I have been experiencing, I have allowed space for desire. I desire to be wanted, to be enough. I desire to be considered sexy enough to keep a man interested in only me while we are having sex, and for his mind to not wander to thoughts of a “better” woman. I want to be able to please a man, and full-fill him without him wanting to imagine another woman. I want to have sex and be the only one with him in the moment, to be the object of his desire. I do not want to share my sexual relations with an imaginary woman, but want a full-on physical connection of intimacy with my partner alone. I have always been ready for this, and this is how I define a sexual relationship, yet my partner has his own ideas of sex which include something more than me.

In fact he fessed up to this desire of him wanting something more when he was recently asked by a friend of mine. He said he would like to be with two girls because he wanted something different. Hearing this, I felt my nerves creep up within me, and told him about something that happened to me for the first time in our marriage. I desired another man, to the point that I didn't care about the consequences at the time.

In the ten years I have been with my partner, I have not allowed myself to be carried away with desire for another, I would not follow any thoughts or temptations, instead I would remind myself of my partner, and immediately let the thought go. But last week was a different story.

I went out by myself to open-mic night, a night where local musicians get together and play on stage. My partner and I have been taking turns babysitting while the other goes out to this. I have been getting to know the other musicians, and have built relationships with them to some extent, on a friendly level. One of them is very attractive and talented with singing and guitar. I have known him for almost a year and we would occasionally have small chit chat about writing music since we both share the same talents, but it always ended in just that, chit chat about music and then I would go on my own way and he with his.

On this night we hung out with each other for a good amount of time, chatting with others as well and playing music together. I was on a “blissful-mind fuck” with him, feeling like I was a queen on the top of the world with him having eyes only for me. As I viewed his performance on stage, I began to think about my desire to kiss him. As usual, I immediately thought of my partner, but this time I didn't care if my partner were to kiss a girl so I kept thinking about kissing this guy. As the night went on I learned that he was a romantic, believing in one true love. I used to believe the same, but then I realized how quickly that energy fades after a couple of years go by, and with my experience with my husband being so deceitful with lusting after other women and sneaking porn I didn't even believe a man could want only one woman. I thought it was admirable he had such a passion to be with just one person, when I have experienced so many men who were never satisfied with just one. So I was swept away in desire to be with this man who only wanted me. But as much as I wanted to, I didn't allow myself to kiss him. I vowed I would be with only one man over nine years ago, and the drive to keep that vow still overrides my desire to follow through in intimacy with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing my partner only looking at his fave porn-star (while I was in bed with him) and not at me with the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my partner's fave porn star holding his attention while he was with me to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing my partner react openly with excitement to another woman while standing next to me as I'm dressed in sexy attire with the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the sight of my partner react openly with excitement to another woman while standing next to me as I'm dressed in sexy attire to exist as a trigger point within me that triggers the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect catching my partner sneaking porn with the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing catching my partner sneaking porn to exist as a trigger point within me that triggers the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be enough to satisfy my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire/want to be enough to satisfy my partner to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “I am not enough to satisfy my partner” to an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment because I realize that I have no control over whether or not my partner is satisfied but that it is his choice if he has enough or wants more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed because I don't want to face the reality that it is not my choice on whether my partner is satisfied or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “my partner is imagining he's with his fave porn star or another beautiful woman he recently drooled over and not focused on me” when we are having sexual relations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect sexual relations with my partner with the thought “my partner is imagining he's with his fave porn star or another beautiful woman he recently drooled over and not focused on me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing sexual relations with my partner to exist as a trigger point within me that triggers the thought “my partner is imagining he's with his fave porn star or another beautiful woman he recently drooled over and not focused on me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my partner to focus only on me while we are having sexual relations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for my partner to stay focused on me while we are having sexual relations to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “my partner is imagining he's with his fave porn star or another women he recently drooled over and not focused on me” to an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment because I realize that I have no control over who my partner focuses on when we are having sexual relations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought “my partner must think I'm unattractive because my skin is not taught/tight”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my partner grabbing my waist with the thought “my partner must think I'm unattractive because my skin is not taught/tight”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my partner grabbing my waist to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought “my partner must think I'm unattractive because my skin is not taught/tight”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my partner to think I have tight skin and am attractive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to be attractive with tight skin to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “my partner must think I'm unattractive because my skin is not taught/tight” to an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of disappointment because I realize that I have no control over my partner's attraction of me but it is in his opinion in his head of who he is attracted to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be wooed by another man into desire for him because I am convinced that my desire to be enough to satisfy him would be fulfilled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth by how attractive and desirable I am to my partner or another man and how much I am able to satisfy him, because I realize that only I can measure my self worth, and that the opinion of another is only an opinion in their mind, based on their comparisons and experiences and not reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure self worth based on beauty, a picture, and on the needs/desires of another man because I realize that a picture is an illusion and that although I may have some ability to cause attraction to myself from another, I do not have complete control over the desires of another.

When and as I see my partner's attention focused on another woman - I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to compare the amount of attention that my partner gives to this other woman with the amount of attention he gives to me and I do not accept or allow myself to see myself through my partner's eyes because I realize that how much attention I receive from my partner does not and cannot ever determine 'how valuable' I am. Instead – I embrace this other woman as myself and realize that I and this other woman are equal and one, valuing myself as this other woman as who we are as life as all as one as equal.

When and as my partner grabs my waist – I stop, I breathe, I do not accept or allow myself to judge myself based on what I perceive my partner to think. Instead – I embrace myself as life, not as a picture, and I realize that what I perceive my partner to think is only in my head and is not real, and that life is not just a pretty picture, for that is of the mind, and I am more than the mind, I am life.

                                           Satisfy

Allocation point: I have been believing myself to not be enough to satisfy my partner, and I've been desiring to be enough to satisfy him, therefore I have found my desire to be enough to satisfy my partner capably satisfied in another man.

Dictionary.com definition of 'satisfy':

1. to fulfill the desires, expectations, and needs or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.); fulfill contentment to
2. to put an end to (a desire, want, need, etc.) by sufficient or ample provision
3. to give assurance to, convince
4. to answer sufficiently as an objection
5. to solve or dispel as a doubt

Sounding the word 'satisfy' :

sat – 'sat' (sit down in comfort, no longer needing to stand, able to relax)

is- he/she 'is' sitting in comfort

fy – 'fine' ; he/she is fine, sitting in comfort, 'fly'= freedom

I have felt like I am not enough to satisfy my partner.

I have felt like I am enough to satisfy another man.

I have interpreted the word 'satisfy' with a positive value.

I have associated the word 'satisfy' with sex.

I feel better when I am experiencing this word.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word 'satisfy' with a positive value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'satisfy' as good/positive/right within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'satisfy' through judging the word 'satisfy' as good/positive/right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'satisfy' to sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'satisfy' within sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'satisfy' and from sex through defining the word 'satisfy' within sex in separation of myself.

Satisfy-

• to accept self as life
• to comfortably accept self as life with no expectations
• to free self from expectations and accept self as life
• to free self from expectations releasing ideals and comfortably accept self as life

• *Satisfy - to free self from expectations, releasing desires and needs, and comfortably accepting self as life.