My Fear of Performing Instrument and Voice Together

I sang in a band before, years ago in front of people with no problem, because I had many experiences before then singing in choir, and a few singing solos. Kereoke has not been a problem for me either. I also played the keyboard in the band in front of a crowd with not problem. But recently I have taught myself how to play the keyboard, and sing at the same time. Same with the guitar. Now I am too afraid to perform in front to of people. I fear that I will be so afraid that I will forget my notes, or not be able to control my voice.

A few months ago, after much practice at playing the piano and singing, I decided to perform at open – mic night at a local bar. I wasn't sure I wanted to try until after I had a few drinks, which was a mistake! When I finally brought myself up on stage, I forgot which keys to put my fingers on the keyboard. I tried a few different positions, and eventually found the beginning sound I had been searching for. I started playing, while singing and the microphone began to slowly fall. I had to stop to re-position the mic and I was embarrassed that I had to stop in the middle of my performance. I started up again only to have the same thing happen! A friend of mine came up to tighten the mic and re-position it to a more comfortable spot. By this time I felt like a failure as the crowd stared at me.

I attempted yet a third time and was able to 'get my groove', certain parts of the song were more intense and I was into it, and the crowd cheered me on, but then as the song changed, I forgot again where to put my fingers. I decided as soon as I remembered where to put them, I wanted to finish the song quickly, so I cut it short. I just wanted to be done with it because to me, it was a horrible experience. I did laugh at myself, and apologize to the audience, yet I still wanted to hide.

Since that experience, at home I have been practicing daily to make sure that the songs are so well memorized that I won't be able to forget out of fear. I have gone to many open mic nights yet I haven't tried to perform again because I am too afraid that I will mess up again. I have engrained this experience within me as negative. I feel like I am more prepared now, and I want to perform, yet I have allowed fear to disable me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear singing and playing an instrument in public. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect singing and playing an instrument in public to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear negative judgment from others while playing and singing. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect judgment from others to fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect judgment from others to self judgment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on what others believe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to label myself at all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted myself to fear making mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold self in a position where I am not allowed to make mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on my mistakes. I forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself to others based on my mistakes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth based on comparison of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that fear is just a pre-programmed reaction. I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as all life, on and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through fear, by fearing myself as less than others when I perform poorly. I forgive myself that I've accepted myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear.

When and as I perform by singing and playing and instrument in front of a crowd, I breath deeply, and do not accept or allow myself to follow thoughts of what others may think or what may go wrong. I do not allow fear to grip me and control me. Instead, I focus on what I am playing, become the music as I am the music, and enjoy myself while performing as I enjoy myself at home when I play for myself. I realize that I am no different than the audience, or other musicians, and a mistake is not the end of my reputation or my career, but only a ripple among a smooth perfection that is only conjured up in the mind.

Performance- the accomplishment of a given task measured against preset known standards of accuracy, completeness, cost and speed.

I have interpreted this word as negative, out of fear of failure, of not meeting societies standards or expectations.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear performance. I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to connect the word performance to fear, and thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear myself and my ability to perform. I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge the word performance as negative/bad/scary.

Redefining the word Performance:

Per-cat's purr, soothing rythemic sound, perfection

form- shape, posture

mance- mens

Purring in good form for men. Expressing or delivering in erect or specific posture, a rythemic sound for men. Expressing rythemic, soothing sound in perfect form for others.

* Expressing self as soothing perfection as is, in ones own form, in secure, erect posture, without judgment but instead with acceptance and pleasure in sharing individual uniqueness.