Trust as Self-Dishonesty - “Why didn't I just listen to myself?”

I made a bad mistake by not trusting myself. I had been quite content with staying home, reading, hanging with my children and husband, retiring to bed at 9:30pm and waking up at 5:30am to walk and ride my bike. My birthday was coming up and one of my friends wanted to “take me out” to celebrate. I initially had the feeling that I was not at all interested in going out to a bar, drinking, and staying up late, since after all I was in a great routine of taking care of myself the best way I could. I had no desire for anything else, but I chose to follow my thoughts and allowed fear to lead my decision. I didn't want to disappoint my friend, and have her believe that I am no fun anymore. I began to wonder if I really was no fun anymore, and told myself that I could have fun going out again, although I always had a nagging feeling that I shouldn't go, that I would be too tired, and that I would be abusing myself. I truly wanted to stay home, but I went out anyway.

Because my friend cannot drive, I had to drive us out. Before we even arrived my friend was trying to convince me into letting her buy me a “birthday shot”. I told her I do not do shots, because they are too strong, I don't want to “get wasted”, and I had to drive us home. I felt like I wouldn't enjoy myself unless I drank some alcohol so I chose to drink only ultra light beer, because it has the least amount of alcohol in it, and I thought that was the safest route for me. The problem here, is that after two beers, I was feeling a slight buzz, meaning my brain was already distorted, and I allowed my friend to talk me into taking a very weak “shot”. It was not straight up liquor, but a small amount of a mixed drink with a silly name to it. I had refused a few times but allowed myself to be persuaded because I didn't want to be considered “no fun”. I had allowed myself to succumb to peer pressure, to be like the rest of the group, and to fit in. I took the shot.

It was getting late, probably about 1:00am, four hours past my bed time, and I was ready to go home but my friend was not ready to leave. She told me she really wanted to stay out and that she would find a ride home, and I realized there was no convincing her to leave with me. I bought a sandwich before I left, and headed out. I was tired, and distracted by my sandwich spilling over when I first started the car. Seeing the headlights shine on the building in front of me, I had believed they were fully on, but they weren't. A feature on my car (which is new to me) automatically turns on the headlights partially, but not the tail lights, fooled me into thinking I had them both all the way on. Within five minutes of leaving, I was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and driving without taillights. I was speeding because I noticed the traffic light, which tends to be one that takes a very long time to change, far up ahead of me was still green and I didn't want to get stuck at it at this late time of night by myself.

When I was asked where I had come from and if I had anything to drink, I was honest. I didn't think I had too much to impair my driving. I felt very tired, but not drunk. My eyes were red and watery from being in a smokey bar, yet the state trooper used that as proof I was drunk. I refused to blow into an intoxilizer, because I don't trust my fate in a machine that is proven to be 15% inaccurate, especially for people who have elevated keytones due to exercising. Because of my refusal, I automatically had my drivers license suspended for a full year. I had no choice but to admit guilt for driving while intoxicated, because if I were to go to trial and lose, I would be placed in jail for six months and I cannot take that chance.

All of this is due to me not placing trust in myself. I wish I would have just told my friend I wasn't interested in going out for my birthday. I wish I would have trusted myself, my initial feeling that I should not go out. Instead, I allowed myself to follow my thoughts and fears. I placed my trust in my friend, who I allowed to convince me in what I should do to “celebrate my birthday and have fun”, instead of placing trust in myself, and because of this I am in a whole lot of trouble. I will be paying for this one decision 'to not place trust within myself ' for the next two years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself by defining my trust within another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other beings by placing my trust within them, instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in others because I am too afraid to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust outside of myself because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to get other people to trust me, because if they trust me I can manipulate and control them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust in another, that they will betray and deceive me- equal and one to my starting point of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that therefore betrayal doesn't actually exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of trusting them in the first place- and therefore I am responsible, and cannot blame them for feeling betrayed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do/who to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind to tell me what to do/who to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to my mind in trusting my mind rather than me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self trust through continuously choosing my mind over me- following what my mind tells me to do, suppressing myself- instead of doing and saying what requires to be done or spoken in a moment.

When and as I feel pressured to do something that someone else wants to do, I stop, I breath, I listen to myself, and I do not accept or allow myself to react to what the other person says. I do not allow myself to follow my thoughts, my memories and my fears. I ask myself why I feel it is important to please this other person, I do not accept or allow my self to manipulate the other by attempting to get the other to trust me and I do not accept or allow myself to be manipulated by the other. Instead- I place my trust within myself, and take responsibility for myself, living my words as who I am, embracing the other as equal and one to myself.