Isolation

Recently I told a 'friend' of mine that I could no longer accept and allow her abusive behavior. We met at a Christian group a few years ago, and because she couldn't drive, I drove her to and from the group once a week. There were things she did that I disagreed with, and I wanted to help her get through them, so I continued to stay near her and continued to help her out with driving her and her mom places.

I learned about Desteni, quit Christianity, and shared what I was realizing with her. She seemed open to it in the beginning, and I was excited about that, but eventually fear overcame her, for she did not want to go to hell if God were real. But I still had 'hope' that she would eventually see clearly, and I still wanted to give her a chance at being a better person, helping her make improvements in her life, because she told me she was having a hard time and didn't have many friends. At first she took some of my advice and made improvements with how she disciplined her child. But as time went on, I realized she participated in many more abusive behaviors that she did not regret, and did not want to change.

She not only lied to her husband on a regular basis, and invited other men to be with her, but lied to me as well, and it was beginning to feel like a fake relationship. She talked excessively about herself, including details that are of no importance and would often talk over me when I tried to say something, always bringing it back to herself. I felt like I was enabling her to continue on in her destructive ways just by being a good listener. I tried to stay distant, but she had insisted I was her 'best friend'. I knew it was just mind games she was playing. She allowed herself to become dependent on me, stating she was 'lonely', and would call often 'just to talk'. I came to the point where I began to avoid her phone calls because I had no interest in listening to her ramble on about the things she had done or was planning on doing, because I disagreed with her lifestyle, and didn't want to hear about it, and also because she showed no interest in my well being. I felt like the only reason she labeled me her 'best friend' was validation for herself because she could not tell anyone else the abusive things she was doing.

When I finally had the nerve to tell her I could no longer accept her behavior, she had told me that I was supposed to forgive her, that she didn't want to be my friend anymore and to 'have a great fucking day'. Then of course, as usual she didn't give me a chance to reply, because she hung up on me. I would have told her that forgiveness is about moving on, admitting a wrong doing, when one is ready to end abusive behavior and become a better person, but she was not planning on that, she was planning on future fuck ups, speaking about it to me, while keeping it a secret to everyone else.

Around the same time the 'friendship' with this person ended, I lost my ability to drive and I met a lady with whom I had a great time conversing with. She told me she teaches Zumba classes in a nearby town, at a studio that is currently offering one week free classes, and that she would be happy to pick me up to try out one or two of the classes. But I feel like it would only be a waste of her time and gas because I cannot sign up for regular classes, I cannot drive and I certainly don't want to become a burden for her to feel like she has to pick me up every time I want to go to class.

When recently she asked me 'when you ready to shake your butt?' I put it off 'just a bit longer', with the excuse that I am not quite ready yet but will be soon. I would like to see her again, especially in one of her classes, I know I'd have a great time, but I guess fear is holding me back. I am afraid of a another sour relationship or of being a burden on someone else who would be my driver. I am not fit enough to keep up, and am afraid of being embarrassed from not being able to learn the moves. So I have been exercising at home to get my fitness level back up, but I have also allowed myself to get into the habit of going back to bed after the kids are on the bus, in attempt to avoid the world. I am even slacking on my writing, as I'd rather not face myself, but instead 'live' in my mind, in hope of what I can do to make my house look beautiful and myself look stylish, for those rare occasions I do get out of the house.

I am in a state of staying home, (I have no choice), sleeping as much as possible, lots of housework, occasional gardening, and surfing the net. I do not return phone calls I don't recognize, like I used to, and I tend to keep to myself. So I realized I am isolating myself. Out of fear, I am secluding myself in my 'safe place', my mind, avoiding the 'real world', avoiding reality and all it's possible negative (and unfortunately also avoiding the positive) 'consequences'. Isolate....I so late! Too late for me, might as well give up and hide. Noooooo!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being involved and feeling stuck in another abusive relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect being involved in an abusive relationship to fear- and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can end an abusive relationship when I decide to as long as I speak up and stop allowing myself to be around the person who is behaving abusively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot speak up for myself and what I will accept and allow again, there for I forgive myself for fearing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a burden on someone else who may be in the position of driving me places, instead of realizing that it is the other person's ability to decide whether or not they will drive me places, and whether or not they are okay with it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and be in control of what another may think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as a burden to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such importance in the judgment of another, when how another judges me has nothing to do with my own self worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another person can tell me what my self worth is, when only I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking silly in Zumba class.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that looking silly is only in one's perspective, of the mind, and that even if someone (including myself) does judge me as looking silly, that can be a fun way to laugh and connect with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect looking silly to fear- and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as 'not fit enough to keep up' as if there is a certain level of fitness that everyone must be at, instead of realizing that everyone who is participating in class is doing so at their own pace, and class is there for us to have fun in, not judge and compare.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to measure my self worth in comparison to another's fitness level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself form the rest of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove myself from all participation, out of fear of 'fucking up' again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have expectations within and of myself, and if those expectations aren't met- I am disappointed with myself and I give up, because, apparently, I'm a failure and there is nothing I can do about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future and then compare where I am to where I had projected myself to be- and then I judge where I am now as worse then where I projected myself to be- and I think and believe that I failed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that failure is real and that failure exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up after and experience of failure, instead of picking myself up, learning from past mistakes and accordingly changing my approach from here on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to isolate myself out of fear of having to face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to avoid the experience of failure and disappointment, instead of realizing that I created those experiences in the first place- therefore what I am actually running away from is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'It's too late' as an excuse and justification for why it is okay for me to give up on myself within a specific task or application.

When and as I begin to isolate myself, I stop, I breathe, and realize that I am only attempting to give up on myself out of fear of failure and failure is only a judgment I make of myself in my mind. Instead of giving up on myself, and hiding from the world, I commit myself to learn from my past mistakes and assert myself to change accordingly.