Jealousy

One night, my partner and I went out and I found myself jealous when I was left alone while my partner spent a considerable amount of time talking to another woman with whom. After attempting to join into the conversation with no success, for they still insisted on sharing such topics I know little about, I stood alone, while my temper brewed. I felt my partner should be paying attention to me, since after all we were on a date, away from our distracting children. I had expectations of my partner and I enjoying adult conversation together, and dancing together, but not once did I plan on being the third party, left out of a conversation which seemed all too important to my partner and this other woman.

I could see the interest my partner had in her. I began to measure her, to compare her to myself, because I felt inferior, since he was spending our “date night” time with her and not with me. Her hair was thick and long, something I have desired for a long time, but her teeth were crooked and stained, something I had better than her. My judgments, went on in the private chambers of my brain, while my partner and this woman continued on in conversation while exchanging small flirtatious gestures. I felt empty and alone in a room filled with people, and desired to be of interest to someone, as I felt ignored from my date.

I ended up drinking way too much alcohol as an attempt to forget what was happening. I wanted to force myself to have a good time, and thought the alcohol would fix the situation, make me not care so much, make me stop thinking about how I felt. I tried to find someone to talk to, giving compliments to other girls about their shoes to spark conversation, but had no luck with finding anyone outgoing and willing to talk back. I could have easily found a guy to hang out with, I did after all know someone there from a long time ago, but I didn't want to take it so far to be spiteful, or risk causing my partner jealous. I just wanted my partner to pay attention to me, to enjoy my company on our date.

I was drunk when I confronted my partner after we came home. He admitted he had flirted with her at the time, but the next day he completely denied it. I was angry about that, I thought 'you can't admit it, then deny it, just to try and save your sorry ass'! I thought I have gotten over this, I guess I had only shoved it to the back of my mind, because now that I write, feelings are resurfacing. So I am digging this shit out, and applying self forgiveness. I don't need to be so sensitive to allow other people to make me feel a certain way about myself. But at least I have an even better appreciation of my teeth! Lol! Just kidding, I don't need to measure my self worth in comparison to another person, and especially with physical characteristics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through comparing myself to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in comparison to other people as 'more than' or 'less than' them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate and exist within the polarity design of 'inferiority' and 'superiority'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'inferiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'inferiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'superiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'superiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by beings that I see as 'superior' to me, therefore using nastiness, spite, and gossip to exalt myself as ego above the other being within my mind-so that I can feel like I have 'won' and the other being 'lost'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and destroy whoever I am jealous about – through nastiness, spite, and gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own judgments – instead of realizing that in jealousy lies an opportunity for me to assist and support myself in learning from the person I am 'jealous' about – so that I equalize myself with this being.

When and as I begin to feel jealous, I stop, I breathe, and realize that comparing myself to another and judging myself as inferior is only a polarity construct of the mind consciousness system and a means to mental separation. I commit myself to instead turn my jealousy into gratefulness and learn to express and become what it is I feel I am lacking, using it as a learning experience, as a means to self improvement.