I have been getting frustrated with my partner not meeting my expectations of cleaning up after himself . I have asked him a few times to clean the coffee maker, because it is growing bits of mildew, and I think I may be allergic. I don't use the coffee maker, or drink coffee, so I feel like it is a fair request that he keep it clean. He said he would clean it, but then he would go sit back down at the computer again and forget about it. Finally, I brought it up again, reminding him that the mildew on it is unhealthy, and he cleaned it right away in front of me. I was relieved.
On another occasion, my partner had used a saw to build a book-case. He left the garage a mess. There were wood shavings all over and the paper he painted the book-case on top of still layed out and was covered in paint. The next morning, we packed the car up to go on vacation, but he stepped in the paint and tracked it into the house. He still didn't clean it up, and I was afraid to mention anything because of past experiences of him getting defensive and angry with me. When we returned, he replaced a lightbulb and left the ladder in the middle of the garage, right in the way where we walk to take the trash out. So every time I walked into the garage to take the trash out, or to get my bike, I had to walk around the ladder, through sawdust and around the paper with paint. It was such a mess, and I was angry that he didn't clean up after himself for so long, it had been a month. I was angry at myself for fearing telling him something about it. I left it as long as I could handle it, hoping he would eventually clean it up. But I couldn't wait any longer because it was such a bother, and I was tracking sawdust in the house every time I walked in the garage. So I cleaned it up. I didn't say a word to him about it, and he didn't say a word about me cleaning it. I felt like I deserved at least a 'thank you' for cleaning up after him.
We take turns cooking, and when I cook, I clean up as I go, so I don't leave a huge mess. When my partner cooks, he usually leaves a huge mess. In fact, he cooked last night and burned the bamboo steamer, and left ashes on the stove and counter along with the dirty pots, dishes, and countertops. I was writing last night, while he was playing piano, so the dishes didn't get cleaned. I went ot bed early with Alexander, while my partner stayed up very late playing a video game, so the kitchen was still a mess when I woke up. I felt like it is unfair that I am left cleaning the mess. I thought about how I usually clean up after myself when I cook, so when he gets home, he doesn't have to do anything. I thought about how selfish he is being by expecting me to clean up after him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought, 'why can't he clean up after himself? I usually clean up after myself.' I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -through participation within the thought 'why can't he clean up after himself? I usually clean up after myself.'- become angry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my self-created anger, through my participation within the thought 'why can't he clean up after himself? I usually clean up after myself.', towards my partner-blaming my partner for my experience of anger within myself that I actually self created.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto an expectation of my partner to read my thoughts, that are in my secret chamber of my head, and in this expectation allowing myself the dismissal of the need to push through my fear of speaking up to my partner.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to hold an expectation of my partner cleaning up after himself when he works on a project. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my partner to sweep up the sawdust when he's finished sawing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my partner to clean up the paint when he's finished painting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my partner to put the ladder back where it belongs when he's finished using it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold expectations of my parnter without him even realising these expectations that I have in my own head.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too afraid to tell my partner what I think is fair, by him cleaning up after himself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto a memory of me asking my partner to clean up after himself with him getting angry and defensive with me, with the experience of me feeling angry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect asking my partner what I think would be fair that he clean up after himself to a memory of me asking him to clean up after himself and him getting defensive and angry with me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined my ability to express my wishes within a memory of me asking my partner to clean up after himself and him getting defensive and angry, with the expereince of me feeling angry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my ability to express my wishes through defining my ability to express my wishes within a memory of me asking my partner to clean up after himself and him getting defensive and angry, with the experience of me feeling angry, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that my expression is here as me in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the memory of me asking my partner to clean up after himself and him getting defensive and angry with me with an emotional experience of fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear because I realise that I have not controlled my own anger in reaction to my partner's anger in the past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid because I can learn to not react in anger by taking responsibility for my own thoughts and emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid because I don't want to take responsibility for my own emotions. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my partner for my emotions because I don't want to take responsibility for my anger and fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to face my fear and talk to my partner because I don't want to take responsibility for my anger and fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful of confrontation, and within that fear, to not communicate effectively to my partner, but instead react in frustration and anger.
When I am faced with a mess that I think my partner should/should have cleaned, I will stop following my thoughts, breathe deeply, bring myself here out of my mind, and talk to my partner about what I want to say to him without participating in thoughts feelings and emotions. I will push through my fear of conflict and communicate to my partner, instead of holding expectations and reacting with anger. I will plan a time to write out a cleaning agreement with my partner, dividing responsibilities, so that our home can function in a practical manner without any unneccesary back chat or conflict arrising among us.
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