Back to self -ending judgment by comparison through self forgiveness and delegating responsibilities

Every night, after my 7yr old sleeps for a couple of hours, either my partner or myself wakes him up out of his deep sleep, to get him to urinate in the toilet. When we don’t, he usually sleeps so deeply that he ends up peeing in his bed. I have been the one who usually wakes him up, since I have been going to bed about two hrs after my son falls asleep while my partner is still awake on the computer.

A few nights ago, I went to sleep only an hour after my son fell asleep, and thought it was too early to wake him. A couple of hours after I fell asleep, I was awakened by my partner who had just used the toilet and climbed back in bed. I asked my partner if he had woken our son up to pee, and he said no. I then asked him if he could wake him up because I have trouble falling back to sleep when I get up in the middle of my sleep and stay awake for more than a few minutes. My partner just mumbled and stayed in bed, falling back to sleep again.

At this time I followed a thought that ‘my partner doesn’t care to help because he does not have to wash the bedding when our son wets them’. I then proceeded to think about ‘all the times that I’ve helped my partner out by waking up with our son in the morning when it was my partner’s turn, so my partner could catch up on sleep and he won’t help me out this one time’. So I was feeling a bit taken advantage of. Here I was asking my partner for help, and he refused.

Because I don’t want our son to wet his bed, for his sake and mine, I got out of bed and woke him up. This is not a quick task, for it takes a little convincing, sometimes picking him up out of bed and guiding him in front of the toilet reminding him of what is going on. (He is usually woken from such a deep sleep that he doesn’t know what he is doing) This stimulation for me in the middle of the night is enough to rouse me awake, making it difficult for me to fall back asleep again.

I lay down in bed again attempting to relax and fall asleep with no ‘luck’. After looking at the time and seeing that a half hour had already ticked by with myself still awake, the thoughts came up in my head again. I tried to ignore them, but had trouble as I thought about how sleepy I would be the next day for not getting enough sleep. The thought in it self, is what lead me to think about my partner’s selfishness. Anger rushed through me as I listened to my partner snore. I wanted then to keep him awake as long as I was. I then took a small pillow and bopped it against his face! lol! As he woke up, all the thoughts that had been running in my mind burst out to him.

In this reaction, I told him exactly how I felt about him not wanting to help me out. I reminded him of all the times I had helped him out, waking up early when it was my turn to sleep in. I told him about how I am usually the one who wakes our son up to pee, and that this one time that I asked for his help, he refuses. I told him ‘he was a selfish jerk who didn’t give a shit about anyone but his self.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought ‘my partner doesn’t care to help because he doesn’t have to wash the bedding when our son wets them’ to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to-through participation within the thought ‘my partner doesn’t care to help because he doesn’t have to wash the bedding when our son wets them’- to become angry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my self-created anger, through participation within the thought ‘my partner doesn’t care to help because he doesn’t have to wash the bedding when our son wets them’, towards my partner for my experience of anger within myself that I actually self created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought ‘all the times that I’ve helped my partner out by waking up with our son in the morning when it was my partner’s turn so my partner could catch up on sleep and he refuses to help me out this one time’ to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – through participation within the thought ‘all the times that I’ve helped my partner out by waking up with out son in the morning when it was my partner’s turn so my partner could catch up on sleep and he refuses to help me out this one time’ – become angry. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct my self-created anger, through my participation within the thought ‘all the times that I’ve helped my partner out by waking up with our son in the morning when it was my partner’s turn so my partner could catch up on sleep and he refuses to help me out this one time’ –towards my partner – blaming my partner for my experience of anger within myself that I actually self created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the memory of me helping my partner out by waking up in the morning with our son so my partner could catch up on sleep, with the thought ‘he doesn’t care about me because he refuses to help me out this one time’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto and keep track of the times I’ve helped my partner out and to hold it in comparison with how much he helps me out. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the memory of the times I’ve helped my partner out without his help in return to an emotional experience of disappointment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am according to my relationship with my partner and my ability as a parent – in comparison to my partner and how much he does around the house to help myself and the children out. I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am not judging him, but myself. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself by comparing myself to my partner who I perceive as less helpful than I – instead of no more accepting/allowing me to define me according to my relationship and parenting choices.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought ‘I will not get enough sleep to feel well rested’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought ‘I will not get enough sleep to feel well rested’ with the emotional experience of fear and disappointment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear and disappointment because I feel like I cannot control my ability to sleep. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame to my partner for my emotional experience of fear and disappointment because I feel I cannot control my ability to sleep.

When I feel like I am being taken advantage of, and am tempted to follow thoughts, and memories, which then lead to comparison, blame and emotional reactions such as disappointment and anger, I will stop my mind by breathing deeply, bringing myself back to the physical, and do what practically needs to be done without holding judgment. A written plan of responsibilities will be constructed and shared with my partner so that we both know what is to be expected of each of us with our duties in caring for the children. I will not compare myself to others because in that comparison is dishonesty and judgment of self, but instead will bring myself back to the physical as the breath here in the moment.