Self forgivenes applied, dissembling dependency on beauty and love as separation and facing issues by pushing through.

Since one of my cats has been missing for almost 9months now, I have been checking a shelter site periodically. A few days ago I found a cat that looked very similar to my Chai Chai. I studied the picture closely to pin point all of the markings, and it pretty much matched, so much so that I thought it just might be my cat. I brought a cage and drove to the shelter in the hopes of bringing my long lost friend home, but to my dissapointment, it wasn't him. I was so dissapointed in fact, that I had tears well up in my eyes as I walked out of the building and decided to do something I had given up 4 months ago-shopping for stylish clothes as therapy.

My thoughts of Chai Chai dissapated, as I concentrated on searching for clothes that would fufill a fantasy. This fantasy I had dreamed up as a dilusion to my sadness. I would wear a beautiful outfit out to the city on a day that my family and I would spend together. I would feel beautiful, accepted, and happy in my perfect clothes. All of my problems would dissapear on this outing, and I would have a break from my reality.

This reality is that my Chai Chai is still missing, and I have no idea what happened to him. Is he alright? Is he in a home with another family, or is he on his own? Is he somewhere outside stuggling to survive? Is he dead?

Another part of my realty I have been attempting to avoid is completing my “homework”. I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed about getting it all done, because it took me a full day to write out one of the four blogs for this assignment. Shopping was a temporary distraction not only from missing my cat, but to the work that still needs to be done.

And why did I choose something so vain as a distraction? Well that all comes down to me avoiding what deep down needs to be written about. Vanity is a shallow cover up for my own lack of acceptance and happiness. I cannot reach this acceptance if I only attempt to fake it by dressing nice and getting approval from others. This lack of acceptance I believe has bubbled up from me not completing my work. I am overwhelmed and have given up on myself by using distractions with other things. Finding Chai Chai would bring me the hapiness I have been lacking. Out of fear of failure I have given up on my homework, but only temporarily. I know what must be done, and I know I will eventually do it. I have only created a time loop for myself, extending the time it takes to clear things up and progress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my fear of not being able to complete my project successfully and on time. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dishonest with myself by distracting myself from my issues that I have allowed myself to be afraid of. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that 'fear of not being able to complete my project' only exist within the mind. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that if I exist in fear in the future I am not here in the presence of breath in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be vain and use shopping for clothes as a distraction to cover up my issues. I forgive myself for fantasizing about other's liking me in my beautiful clothes as an attempt for approval and happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on other's approval as a cover for my own lack of approval. I forgive myself that I've allowed to exist in seperation with me through accepted and allowed participation in the mind and in search for approval from others. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that when I accept myself to participate in the mind I am separating me from who I am here in every moment of breath in self expression as self honesty and self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by becoming dependant on beauty and style which I know will control me. I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deliberately become dependant on beauty and style which I know compromise who I am to 'feed my ego'. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that self compromise only exists when the ego of the mind wants to be fed/ established within me as me. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the ego of the mind when doing things that I know will compromise me, such as becoming dependant on beauty and style in competition and acceptance from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'I will be accepted and happy in beautiful stylish clothes'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect seeing stylish clothes to the thought 'I will be accepted and happy in beautiful, stylish clothes'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing seeing stylish clothes as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought 'I will be accepted and happy in beautiful, stylish clothes'. I forgive myself for accpting and allowing myself to desire stylish clothes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire for stylish clothes to exist within and as me.I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'I will be accepted and happy in beautiful, stylish clothes' to an emotional experience of feeling unhappy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of unhappiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and emotional expereince of unhappiness because I realise that stylish clothes will not make me happy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be unhappy because I realise that beauty is not a solution that will solve my issues. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a quick, shallow solution to solve my issues-because I don't want to face my current reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to face my current reality, but instead want to escape within being an attractive woman.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word 'beauty' with a positive value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'beauty' as 'good'/'positive'/'right' within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself form the word 'beauty' through judging the word 'beauty' as 'good'/'positive'/'right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'beauty' to being accepted and happy in stylish clothes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'beauty' within being accepted and happy in stylish clothes. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word 'beauty' within being accepted and happy in stylish clothes in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'beauty' to love and adoration. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'beauty' within love and adoration. I forgive mysel for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word 'beauty' and from love and adoration through defining the word 'beauty' within love and adoration in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'beauty' to appreciation. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'beauty' within appreciation. I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'beauty' through defining the word 'beauty' within appreciation in seperation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a picture of myself dressed in pretty clothes getting attention and having a good time while walking through the city with my family-to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect with this picture to the thought ' I will be accepted and happy in beautiful, stylish clothes'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect acceptance and happyness to a picture in my mind of myself dressed in pretty clothes getting attention and having a good time while walking through the city with my family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words beauty, acceptance and happiness within a picture in my mind of myself dressed in pretty clothes getting attention and having a good time while walking through the city with my family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require to be dressed in pretty clothes, getting attention, while with my family for me to be and experience beauty, happiness, and acceptance. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from beauty, happiness and acceptance through defining the words in separation of myself within this picture in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of me getting attention and adoration while dressed up pretty with the experience of happiness and pride to the thought ' I will be accepted and happy in beautiful, stylish clothes'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of me getting attention and adoration with the experience of happiness and pride. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined my beauty, happiness and acceptance within a memory of me getting attention and adoration while dressed up pretty with the experience of happiness and pride. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from beauty, happiness and acceptance through defining my beauty happiness and acceptance within a memory of me getting attention and adoration while dressed up pretty with the experience of happiness and pride, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that happiness and acceptance is here as me in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that having Chai Chai back will bring happiness and contentment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be emotionally dependant on Chai Chai's return. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought of having Chai Chai back to happiness and contentment. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed seeing a cat that looks like Chai Chai as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought of 'having Chai Chai back will bring happiness and contentment'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire having my cat back. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire to have my cat back to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought that 'having Chai Chai back will bring happiness and contentment' to an emotional experience of dissapointment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of dissapointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of dissapointment because I realise that I am not able to practically manifest my desire of having my Chai Chai back with us. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dissapointed because I realise that even if I could have Chai Chai back it will not solve my issues. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dissapointed because I don't want to face my reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire an easy solution of having my cat back to bring happiness and contentment and solve my issues-because I don't want to face my current reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to face my current reality, but instead want to escape within imagining having my cat back as bringing happiness and contentment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word love with a positive value. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word love as 'good'/'positive'/'right' within my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word love through judging the word 'love' as 'good'/'positive'/'right'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word love to having my cat back. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word love within having my cat back. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word love and from my cat through defining the word love within my cat being back in seperation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word love to happiness and contentment in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word love within happiness and contentment in my mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word love and from happiness and contentment through defining the word love within happiness and contentment in seperation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word love to acceptance and approval. I frogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word love within acceptance and approval. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word love and from happiness and contentment through defining the word love within happiness and contentment in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word love to family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word love within family. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word love and from family through defining the word love within family in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word love to pets safe and happy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word love within pet being safe and happy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word love and from pets being safe and happy through defining the word love within pets being safe and happy in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a picture of finding Chai Chai and bringing him home creating smiles, hugs and lots of petting from my partner, children and myself-to exist within and as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture to the thought 'having Chai Chai back will bring happiness and contentment'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love, happiness and contentment to a picture in my mind of finding Chai Chai and bringing him home creating smiles, hugs and lots of petting from my partner, children and myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words love, happiness and contentment within a picture in my mind of finding Chai Chai and bringing him home creating smiles, hugs and lots of petting from my partner, children and myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require finding Chai Chai and bringing him home creating smiles, hugs and lots of petting from my parner, children and myself for me to experience love, happiness and contentment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from love, happiness and contentment through defining the words in separation of myself within a picture of my cat returning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect a memory of cuddling Chai Chai and him nibbling my neck while purring with the experience of pleasure and happiness to the thought 'having Chai Chai back will bring happiness and contentment'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of cuddling Chai Chai and him nibbling my neck while purring with the experience of pleasure and happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined my love, happiness and contentment within a memory of cuddling Chai Chai and him nibbling my neck while purring with the experience of pleasure and happiness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my love, happiness and contentment through defining my love, happiness and contentment within a memory of cuddling Chai Chai and him nibbling my neck while purring with the experience of pleasure and happiness, in separation of myself. I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that love, happiness and contentment is here as me in every moment of breath.

When I am feeling overwhelmed and am tempted to use any means of distraction to get my mind off of my current situation, such as missing a loved one or the need to get work done, I will bring myself back here, breathe and stop the mind. I will not follow the thoughts that my work cannot be done, but I will push through and do what I have to do to get it done. When I am missing my cat, I will stop, breath and not follow my thoughts of 'what if' and 'how much better it would be if he were with us'. I will no longer allow distractions, such as using shopping for clothes, as an escape from my issues, but instead will take the time to face myself, investigate my feelings and work them out through writing self forgiveness. When I do want to shop for clothes, I will ask myself if I am desiring to distract myself by shopping or if I need to shop for for practical purposes.

I will not allow myself to be dependant on others for my happiness and love. When I feel like I need acceptance and approval or like I need to be dressed stylishly to feel accepted, pretty and happy, I will stop following my thougths, bring myself here as breath, and remember that acceptance, beauty and happiness is within and as me already, as life.