Desire for clothes

 

I have a ton of clothes in my closet and in my attic that I haven't worn in a long time, some that I have never worn. The accumulation is due to a constant search for the perfect fit. Being a petite person, I have always had trouble finding clothes that fit me and had to resort to either young children clothes or more age appropriate, yet way too big teen clothes when I was in high school. I was constantly being called names, “short stuff”, shrimp”, “little bit”, “little girl”, “baby”, to name a few, and was treated as such, as a baby.

 

 So I grew up being treated and viewed as someone who couldn't understand at the level I was at. It was so very frustrating to not be taken seriously, and yet to be made fun of as if I were not even a human being. My wardrobe of ill fitting, super baggy “grown up clothes” or well fitting young child's clothes only exasperated the situation. I had a choice to either look like I was being swallowed up in material, or to look like I was a very young child, either way, I still looked like a very young child.

 

There are finally stores that make clothes to fit all sizes of people. Just recently I found a pair of jeans that actually fit perfectly, well they are still a little bit long, even the short kind, but everywhere else fits me perfectly! They are so comfortable, they cover my whole butt, are not too loose in the waist, they don't sag in the crotch or under the but, and they don't stick out in the hip area. And they are very soft and comfortable. They actually fit me and I am so happy I found them that I want to buy more, more, more! So I have this desire to buy another pair, and then another, and I also want to buy a pair that have the same fit but a different style at the bottom, so I can achieve another look.

 

 I don't have the money to buy more, yet this desire for more is consuming me. I have a coupon for this particular store where my mom bought me the jeans that expires today and I am so tempted to use it. I want another pair of these perfect jeans because I feel like it will complete me. I will not have to search  any longer for something that fits. I went through my jean collection last night and pulled out 15 pairs of jeans that almost fit, but all had something either unflattering or uncomfortable about them. I know desiring clothes that are comfortable is not a problem, but the desire to look good, to the point of spending more money than I have is a problem. I have finally found jeans that look great on me and they are super comfortable, and I cannot seem to let this desire for more go!

 

It all “boils down” to wanting to be accepted by others, and in that, it is only because I am not currently accepting myself, otherwise I would not be in this need for acceptance from others. I know this from personal experience.

 

Over a year ago, I grew tired of this need to be beautiful and accepted, as I learned to accept myself as I am. I no longer wanted to wear jewelry or make-up, and it extended to my hair. I was sick of having to style it whenever I went out in public, sick of the vanity, when I looked around me to find this messed up world filled with young girls and women torturing themselves through anorexia, or plastic surgery just so they could feel accepted and beautiful, and the people who lost their hair due to cancer or alopecia. I was tired of  the dependence of feeling pretty to be happy. I had this vanity in me that caused me to be frustrated when I had a “bad hair day”, or when I couldn't find something to wear in my closet full of clothes. So I was done with it, because I understood it, finally, and I learned to fully accept me as me.

 

I stopped wearing jewelry and uncomfortable clothes, shaved my hair, and completely liberated myself from any dependency on appearance. I felt a connection with the people who don't have a choice about their hair or clothes and basically a connection with all of humanity as equals, as I was no longer trying to impress with how I look, or compete with beauty and style, and I felt amazing, like a whole person, without any search anymore for acceptance. I felt love for myself, with my bald head and all the bumps and imperfections. I felt love for myself and others, putting and end to the “competition” and desire to be liked in this world of outer beauty.

 

So what happened? Why am I in this place I am at today? I had allowed my family and “friends” to “break” me, out of fear of survival. I was threatened to have my children taken away by one of my family members. My long time best friend became friends on Facebook with a family member of mine just so they could “worry” and gossip about me. Shoot, I had most of my family doing that, and eventually my parents blamed their stress and high blood pressure on me! My mom actually begged me to be “normal”.

 

It seemed as though, as soon as I found myself and fully accepted and loved myself even in “abnormalness”, even without hair, without society's definition of being a beautiful woman, I felt more beautiful than I ever had before, yet my security in survival in this world was threatened. My security, my family, and “friends”, were not able to understand, but only gossiped about me, and made judgment about me as if there was something wrong with me. They were casting me out as defective. I could not have that. I was in fear of losing everything, my children, my “freedom”, because all it takes is for your family to say you are sick, put you away, and take your children.

 

There I had been completely honest, and virtually no one (except Destonians) and one or two other  friends of mine could handle it or understand it. No one wanted to see it. They only made excuses for their continued participation in this dishonest and competitive way of being.

 

I grew my hair back, and began to act like others in society, basically because I felt like it was the safest route to my survival. I have even found myself fibbing about covering my gray hair when I don't have gray hair just to have a connection with others, so I could be like they are, in vanity and help them feel more comfortable around me. Because after all, it is not human to not be in vain! At least that is the “normal” way of thinking. I  have allowed myself to fall back into vanity, yet I still have an understanding of what I am doing. I am back in the game again, and though it seems fun on the surface, I realize how consuming it can be, and damaging to the love and acceptance of self, not to mention damaging to the wallet as well!

 

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance self love, and beauty by accepting and allowing myself to define my self acceptance and beauty within having the perfect fitting, flattering and stylish clothes, and ultimately acceptance from others, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that these desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to now act on my desires -  when actually desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred into my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everyone and everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire something that it because I believe that that which I desire can give me something as though that something is not already who I am.

 I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings of 'something's wrong', 'I am not satisfied', 'I am not complete', 'I am not fulfilled', - and to believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to look nice and ultimately find acceptance from others to be complete, fulfilled and satisfied with myself and to find acceptance in myself.

 

When and as I begin to desire something outside of myself to feel complete, like clothes, I stop, I breathe, and do not accept or allow myself the need to be dependent on or to search for something outside of me to define me. Instead, I realize that I am here, whole, and complete as I am. I realize that self worth is not to be found from acceptance from others, for that is only in an individual's opinion, and that self acceptance is found within self, already here, not by what I put on my body, or what others think of me. I realize that in desire to dress nice, I am only placing myself in separation from everyone and everything that is here, equal and one, so I breathe through this and remember that I am equal and one with all life.